The Podcast for People with No Friends!
Aug. 24, 2021

IDS #52 - In Our Defense, We Thought It Was Funny - The Best of Year One

IDS #52 - In Our Defense, We Thought It Was Funny - The Best of Year One

The Best of Year One!  Come with us on a wild and stupid ride back through our best clips of the first 51 episodes!!

2:39      Ice Cream in the Basement (from Episode 44)

5:35      The KISS Shirt (from Episode 33)

9:28      Lawnmower in the Living Room (from Episode 33)

12:39  Dave Layisms

15:55  Twelve *&^$! Nuggets (from Episode 45)

19:35  Salsa in Charlie’s Eye (from Episode 23)

23:44  My Dad’s in Prison (from Episode 27)

26:24  Wanna Touch My Beets? (from Episode 27)

30:03  The Drunk Yoda Story (from Episode 30)

39:53  Teriyaki Chicken Bread Bowl Salad (from Episode 10)

43:30  Don Smith - OCD (from Episode 25)

48:37  Ziploc (from Episode 44)

59:16  Flinging Dog Poo (from Episode 16)

1:03:49  Donnie Broke His Foot (from Episode 22)

1:07:47  The Best of Dave Lay

1:12:39  Interrupting Darin 

1:14:32  I Don’t Want to Be Here, Where’s Your Front Door? (from Episode 48)

1:23:00  The Encyclopedia Salesman (from Episode 20)

1:28:49  The Vintage Man (A Horrible Idea) (from Episode 23)

1:37:15  The Beaver (from Bonus Episode 1)

1:44:07  The Giant Eagle Cake (from Episode 46)

Check out the rest of our episodes at irritabledadsyndrome.com

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Transcript
00:00:00And his the kid was just naming off all these things that you can't microwave. The end of the Indians, like tell your mom, you can't in the cuz I okay. I think, I think his mom knows not to put a thing in the thing.
00:00:14You need to learn more words.
00:00:27Welcome to the irritable. Dad syndrome. One year anniversary special, please. Welcome your host, Mike and Darren anniversary special. We thank you for downloading this episode. We're glad you're listening to it at tonight's special. I keep calling it tonight. Most people download in the morning. This episode is fantastic. It's probably going to be about double what you normally listen to but over the past year, Mike and I have talked incessantly about stupid, random crap, people come up to us crazy, people are drawn to us and we've managed to have a great stories. I think. And I pointed that out before and that's where a lot of these stories come from. So these are stories from our lives, you know, so if you're new to the podcast, welcome, you know, we have tons of episodes started about 30. So if you ever want to know, this is a great.
00:01:27For new listeners. Yes, they don't have to dumpster dive into the trash in the greatest hits of an artist that you've always liked it. If you didn't want to buy all 12 of their last album, do some helpful listening tips. Number one, you'll notice a change in audio quality as we go back and forth in the eclipse when it sounds like we're in a cave, we were indicate we then them were the olden times, right? So if you listen to that clip, do they call? That's funny. I want to listen to all the times. Again. We went through and we narrowed it down to his favorite Clips. My favorite class. We talked to fans, we found out with some of their favorite moments were and we've got some stuff on this episode that has never been heard on this podcast. So it's going to be great. I'm very much looking forward to. So we going to kick it off. Yeah. I want to kick it off. So I can't say this is a true story cuz all of these. They're all true story, but the
00:02:27Story that we're going to put on here is one that I think illuminates, the fact that I care very little about anything else other than myself and ice cream, and ice cream.
00:02:39I'm down here in the basement. I'm, I'm starting to watch a movie, and I have my ice cream in that configuration about halfway through it and our fire alarm for a house goes off.
00:02:51And it's, you know, it's one of those where they're all tied together right here at, go off in the upstairs, and it's going off down here, and then it stops. I don't know what happened. But clearly whatever it was is over now. So, I go back to my ice cream. I didn't even pause the movie. I was just mildly annoyed that I missed, what? Leonardo DiCaprio's. I was watching, Shutter Island and inside, go back to eating my ice cream at the fire. Alarm goes off again.
00:03:20This time a little bit longer. I paused eating my ice cream and it stops getting on my phone. I got a text from bass. I look at it. It says fire. Alarm going off. Can you help?
00:03:36Execute.
00:03:39She has to text you, my sex help with the fire alarm. I'm sitting here and I have the worst husband. If I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed for a good thirty seconds. I'm sitting there thinking.
00:03:51If I go, this is going to melt and it's not going to be as good as it as it is right now, right? Why can't I just didn't and now I can't enjoy my ice cream because I've got this thing that I have to do for the enjoyment of my end of day ice cream is that I have no responsibilities Beyond going to bed at the ice cream. Now, I have to go fight a fire or make sure everybody safe. So I eat ice cream for another 20 seconds and I feel really bad. I carry my ice cream with me and I go upstairs and I say is politely as I can. What do you want me to do about it?
00:04:29Sorry girl, season, Arie.
00:04:36So what we think happened?
00:04:39Is it? Maybe I love how the possibility that there's actually a fire, never crossed your body. Absolutely not.
00:04:57So, you know what, you're the best. Listen to the podcast, periodically in my wife. I was watching her when she was listening to that part. Making sure that she would laugh. Get like a dark look on her face. So, okay. So the next one is you have a story where in you went to see a band. One of my favorite band of your favorite band. I got backstage and you got your shirt signed autographed. Photograph. Not by the people who I wanted to sign my shirt.
00:05:35When I lived in Tennessee, I was friends with Steve, man. He used to be a DJ wqut and now he's on WTF. Am I think I'm over the years and he used to bring me in to the station on Fridays and I would do Impressions and answer the phones and I was like a sidekick, a bit of a cutie for a brief period when he got me backstage passes to see kiss. And the opening act was Slaughter up all night. Sleep, all day, Slaughter Fly To The Angels, no water. Now. I remember I remember as a member of a band band Slaughter, but I never said that it was Mark Slaughter, Slaughter Slaughter. I think it is Kip Winger right now. What was the one that was like a Christian band? What is a striper striper?
00:06:35DC sniper, there's nothing else to do. If there's nothing else to do with his conscience will come through. He was white lion, stripe. And white lion has big hit was to hell with the devil, throughout Bibles to the crowd was great. It was just just heavy metal of insanity. So we're backstage and none of the members of Kiss him come out yet. And I've Got My Crazy Nights T-shirt on my KISS concert Deshawn. So the water come out and they all run over and they all had to grab my kids teacher. No way.
00:07:26I'm sorry. I'm still got their album. I love. Their music will have this shirt. I have a certain set. The best autograph to buy three or four guys from Slaughter. Oh my God.
00:07:52Okay, so if that happened to me, yeah, I would be so pissed.
00:07:56Cuz I don't even know who Slaughter is. Got the hell out of there.
00:08:08This next clip was one of my favorites because the visual the idea of you sitting in your living room doing this. It reminds me of out about Gary Larson Far Side cartoon that I saw years and years ago, but Mike had bought a new house and the people who he bought the house from came back unexpectedly wanted to see, they they had memories to the house. It was the the mom and she wanted to see and I left a detail out about the story that I got to add in now at the time best and I had just gotten married and there was a thing that she had for her Brides, whatever they had. What's that thing called? Like the men do the, the bachelor party is a bachelorette party. So she had it was a it was a bunch of pictures of apricots and asses and you had to pick which one was an apricot, which one was an ass so large.
00:09:05Is apricot or apricot apricot, apricot or apricot the masses?
00:09:11And that was, that was right when she gestured in the story. She she I can try. If I sent her out, she gestured over to a corner and said it. We used to put our Christmas tree right there and she's pointing at a picture about thirty-odd asses in apricots.
00:09:28So that's when I the first house that we bought we bought it was a sale by owner thing. Okay, and it was in Troy, Ohio and when we were looking at the house, they were going on and on the the mom was going on and on about the memories that they had in the house and we had the Christmas tree over here and they really don't want to leave it but they were moving to Tennessee and they had to go. And so we got the house and we just moved all of our stuff in and never bothered to put it away. And then we bought a lawn mower because we realized after about 2 weeks and the grass is growing. We don't have room where we weren't very smart back. Then I wasn't very smart back that when you're so smart. And so there was a moment where I was putting the lawn mower together in the living room and stuff was spread all over the place and the doorbell rings. And it's the mom, the lady Hina. She just wanted to have one last look at the house. Before they actually left town. We had we had like under
00:10:28We're laying all over the place. They was literal garbage. Like in bags. I was going to take it out to the trash, but it was like, they're in when I go back out with Lumber. I'm going to take it out and came back in and there's a lawn mower in pieces in living room. It looked like something from The First 48. You don't like where the final houses they go to. It was bad. I still think about that. I still think. I still think that we're on the subject of a story for that family when they're like, you know, we went back to their house, where our children grew up, and they had a lawn mower, bras and garbage. Everywhere riding mower was build.
00:11:14Does a riding lawn mower? I will take it for a spin around the living room. Then you can't get it out the door and then you have to disassemble. I just go through the wall in the living room. I am not saying that. I'm the smartest person in the world. I would have assembled it outside. I just say it. I would pull a two-man it right through the wall out of the yard.
00:11:38Okay, and the reason I didn't assemble it outside. Yeah, cuz it's hot outside. Why would I do that? When I've got a perfectly good, living room right there. Did you get oil on the carpet? No, I didn't put oil in it until I got outside. I'm not a complete idiot.
00:12:00So we reached out to fans of the show and we ask people, what are your favorite moments from the show? And one of the things that almost everybody said was Dave Lay every day is my wife's favorite part of the show. I know. I'm, I'm like number two. Sometimes number three.
00:12:20Play Everybody Loves Dave. Yeah, it's so we were trying to figure out, you know, which Clips to play from Dave and we reached out to her editing team and we had them put together a compilation of David Bowie's greatest hits.
00:12:40Welcome to irritable dad syndrome, the official podcast of Christmas, the most popular podcast in France. The most downloaded podcast in Nevada, the hottest podcast in Mexico, one of the top 100 podcast in Slovakia, home of the million-dollar guarantee made with 100% recycled material, save 20% on your next episode, with your Kroger Plus Card more people, listen to this podcast than any other mammal. The podcast that melts in your mouth, not in your hand. The podcast that takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Now, 100% gluten free. Now with anti cavity protection, irritable dead syndrome was videotaped before a live studio audience. Syndrome is a marked reduction. We now continue with our program. Already in progress mention. You heard this podcast will send you the next episode free. This podcast is based on the true story. You were discretion, advised. You were Double Dead syndrome. Part of this nutritious breakfast. I don't know about you, but I'm about to go out to the
00:13:40Bobby and get myself a treat, its 4:30 in the morning and the only one up at this hour other than me is Chris used. Because evil, never sleeps. We hear a terrible dead syndrome would like to apologize to all the moms out there for screwing up. Mother's Day. All this post pineapple, cutting tips, butt naked funerals, and a donkey on PCP your host, my total and Darvin Cox. Now, please welcome your host, Mike and Darrell. I mean Darren congratulations, you just sit through another episode of this podcast. Go to our website and punch in the secret code, to claim your prize. Thanks for listening. I don't know about you guys, but I feel like that was the best episode ever. It's time for us to get up and get on out of here. This concludes another episode of irritable bowel syndrome. And hey, if you have a sandwich bag related medical emergency, instead of calling the ziplock hotline prank calling 911. That's good advice. I'm on a bus on a psychedelic.
00:14:40Reading murder books, trying to stay hip. This episode is over. So feel free to get back to your sad. Pathetic lives. Hey guys, I don't want to be here. Where's the front door? This concludes our show. Peace out, everybody owe and word to your mother Abbie trails to you until we meet again.
00:15:05I host the ship. Okay, so I got to I got to warn about this next story and that it contains language that your kids can come back and I have to be in the room. So, this next story. Yeah, there is a quack, a lot of words that were used to make wax. A lot of them. There were no quacks when it actually happening and if there were there would be no story. That's true. It's true. Enjoy.
00:15:54Okay. So what I order is, I want a spicy chicken sandwich and a 12-count nuggets.
00:16:03With honey mustard sauce and a large Diet, dr. Pepper. Okay, so I pull up the nice lady comes over because they do this thing now, where they they come, they walk up to your car and she says going to help you and I said, I would like a spicy chicken sandwich, and 12 nuggets.
00:16:26South.
00:16:32How do you recover from that? I'll tell you, I'll tell you what I did. You back your car out? And you go home to do is there's a couple of options that you have. You can ignore what happened in Barrel Ford and just blame anything that happens on their inability to hear you correctly. Because there's always a question. Did you say that or did they hear you incorrectly? Is it your problems their problem? Haha. You can acknowledge the mistake. You can say very maturely. I'm sorry. I meant 12 count nugget, not 12.
00:17:07Or you could do what I did, which is I would like 12 buckets. Jesus. I want a 12-count nuggets. I'm sorry. I didn't mean, I understand. She's like, stop. If you say I understand sir.
00:17:26Do you still want the honey mustard? Sauce? Yeah, I like the honey mustard sauce in a diet. You said it died. Yeah, I'd like a diet. Dr. Pepper with it with with the sandwich and the Nuggets taste like chicken.
00:17:41And I said jokes, huh? I think I've said before my Chick-fil-A Journeys is they had this thing where they want to talk to you? Haha, and I almost pulled out a line. I've already paid but I didn't want to deal with the guy who looks like Jughead from the head, right? Come over and he gay. He's like a or you might yeah, a little food for lunch, aren't you? Yeah. I'm getting food for lunch. That's what I do for lunch. I get to get food.
00:18:18Give me my nuggets. I get that and I drive away another duck. Here's the thing us. And we do need multiple. I'm going to be using the clown speaking on this. Here's the thing is that when I was in my twenties or thirties, I would have been mortified. I probably would have pulled out. Now. I'm just like a I got a funny story now.
00:18:42As long as it's fodder for the podcast, that's all that matters.
00:18:48Okay, so so listen to the show. Know we have quacker the cursing duck quacker, you know, he curses whenever we slip the word that you dropped. This was a very special curse words.
00:19:11I try to go above and beyond of my cursing. So times on this podcast about how much he loves salsa. But we never thought that he would love it so much. They would cause one of his children. Bodily harm. Charlie would not let anyone get any sleep correction. He would not let Bess Kennedy. Slept. I slept like a baby, but she really just wanted an hour of calm cuz it was during the week. I was working that type of thing, but she couldn't sleep through the night and then, you know, I'm at work all day and then, you know, he's so she was getting worn down. She's like, I have to have an hour. She wanted to go to Michaels in the I know Michael's the Scrapbook place.
00:20:11She was going to go there. Just like Roma as a moment of Joy,, like, how I go to Best Buy, or over the target. That's enough to just walk around Target. Anyway, so I have Charlie. I'm holding him and I'm like you remember I told you we talked last episode about how I like to mix salsa. Yes. This is premix days, but I just I was a plebeian plebeian plebeian plebeian. I don't know. I don't know what that means, and I can make that anymore.
00:20:47Cereal bowl full of it. Get a big thing of of Tostitos as I do, right? And like an idiot. I'm dipping into the hot salsa and bring you the chip over my infant son's face into my mouth. His face is right there. My brain cuz I'm not a I'm not an entirely stupid man running mostly stupid. There was some functioning brain cells. That said,
00:21:14Maybe this is your your kid. Could it get injured like this? Some hot sauce and could fall in his while? I'm listening to that. I've watched a drug. You have you seen The Matrix, you know, like you doing slows down? And I are like, song from all angles. I too would like a little bead and I just saw it and I was going for so long. I thought maybe it's going to hit his nose, which doesn't make it that much better directly onto his pupil. Not, not just a couple of times.
00:21:47It was like this moment. We're just both staring at each other and like an idiot. I thought maybe that's not going to be a problem for him. And then he just started screeching as it if it will. Do when you drop hot salsa with her eye and Andrew jumped up from the couch. And what happened? Not what did you do now? It would be. What did you do? He's old enough to know that I did something but he was like what happened was like, I dropped salsa into Charlie's, I
00:22:17And he's like, why did you do that? I might just shut it. So I called I called Beth this out. Timing-wise far away. We are from that's like less than 2 minutes. He was still driving there and I'm like, I just dropped salsa into Charlie's. I the words that came out of that woman's mouth.
00:22:40I like it. I really can't. Remember what happened for the next couple of hours. I think she came back home and I think I got the cold shoulder for about a month or two. I don't know what happened. If I ever told you. I'm blurred told you a thousand times, do not put salsa on our children. And what are you do? You put salsa in their eye?
00:23:15He said he's fine. By the way, he can see. Out of both out of the backyard. Shower felt a little explanation. Is this is the story that happened at my youngest son's birthday party. And what I forgot to mention in the story was that all the kids involved in the backyard shower are wearing swimsuits. So, please enjoy the backyard shower.
00:23:43But there was a knight win a day when Cameron just had a party cameras, my youngest one and we were all out in the backyard and it's the Mets. And when we have a lot of kids over, we have the the backyard shower. Okay, like these kids are these kids are covered in their covered and some bug spray grass because they're up there, having a water balloon fight in this night with her up. So we can all the kids up. So we have three or four adults. Have you been part of the one of the backyard? And I have weed line all the parents up and one that I usually hose the kid down. Another parent will shampoo the hair and other you know, what will sport the soap in their hands and kids get their pets in the behind the legs and whatever and then you hold them off at the end of the fifth parent line hands in the towel showing concern for having this backyard. That I was like, so there's this little kid their own. Oh, I see where this is going.
00:24:43I told this kid, I said, you know, this is how people shower in prison.
00:24:53You ever been to prison ability and my dad doesn't know. Where do you go now to go, get used to try to look at you like go for a funny, man?
00:25:13Go to take.
00:25:14We never mentioned again. He's never been back at the house. Never seen him again. Oh my God. I learned my lesson with that. A Lord.
00:25:40I myself more fun than I thought. I was going to get. One thing that's been mentioned, probably on every episode of this podcast is Kroger. Yeah, we should get a Kroger should definitely consider being a sponsor on the show because I absolutely we have talked about them at least once an episode and going back through all the episodes, all the Crowbar stories, all the everything. I still think. My favorite story from Kroger, is this one. Crazy people only go to the grocery store. I do especially my wife doesn't believe me. She's like, there's no way you keep running into these days what that says in the last week and the week before, nothing it happened.
00:26:40Like nothing, and I didn't. And I was very, I was, I think, I let it get to me. So, well, this week, something fun. Aminul happened in the produce department. I go to Kroger Kroger or not a sponsor this podcast out of the shed, because we mentioned them and all 27 episodes of this month.
00:27:01You could call this to Kroger podcast. So I'm in program in the produce section and I'm walking by and there's a woman. And she's desperately trying to open up a plastic bag death. She cannot she cannot open it. I've been there a thousand times and I'm convinced that they have the cameras, security cameras that they record the doing at the opening the bags. If, and they're laughing at us, and it's like a, it's like a Taiwan or Peru or, and Americans are crazy with plastic bags. It's probably more. But I told her I said that because, yes, they are you cuz I talk to strangers.
00:27:41And I told her my, my theory that were being recorded and she's laughing and she says, well, you know, before we all had the masked, you could just lick your fingers and open the bag, but now, you can't take the mask off and she's as you get your fingers wet somehow, I got an idea. I'm going to touch the Beats. So she puts her hands on the whip beats. Okay. It looks like you want to touch my Beats. All
00:28:10Lourdes and I think I know but you just titled my next know so it doesn't just so you know, I'm not touching all the big one beat lady. She's a beat. She bought the Beats, I couldn't drive home fast enough to tell my wife, you want to touch my penis. So so it was there a twinkle in her eye. Did she know what she had said or was she was? It was, it was almost as if she was a, a cast member on our podcast. Okay, like if we had it painted lady, okay? To touch my Beats, just like you did what?
00:29:02Hey everybody. This is your announcer Dave way and all of us here and irritable. Dad syndrome are proud. Once again to celebrate bring your daughter to work day. So the help with this week show, please welcome my daughter Emma. Oh my God. You're so embarrassing for the hundredth time. It's not bring your daughter to work day. And I don't want to be on your stupid irritable. Dork syndrome podcast with Beavis and Butt-head is what you call work. Seriously. That's what you do. When you're not watching my soccer games. I hate you.
00:29:36Okay. Now, back to the show texts. Okay. So, you know, we've pointed out that all these stories are true. We've said that before and I've got a double down on this one. But yeah, this one sounds unbelievable. This is absolutely 100% true. I can't believe she did it. If you're a Star Wars fan. This is a good story for you.
00:30:02But this needs to be recorded for posterity. Sake, Star Wars, drunk. Yoda, you use, Phantom Menace. Now, the kids out there. Don't don't remember this, but it was a big deal in The Phantom Menace was coming out to be trying to put Darren, take your brain back to a time before it is released. I remember he was a big deal. It was a big. You didn't know jar jar was going to be in it. No, you didn't know it was going to suck ass. Yeah. You didn't know that Natalie Portman was going to fall in love with a nine-year-old, you know, any of these things you didn't know that weird, whatever that accent is of the aliens, the beginning where they sound like, it's almost it's an uncomfortable, almost like a mockery of Chinese. You know, what I'm talking about. We didn't know that. It was really weird that there was going to be like, some weird Martian, who look like grito. Yeah. I know, know, know know who look like with the voice of
00:31:02And like a cigarette in his mouth. Flying around. Oh my God. That was the first sign. Like a lot of no, you didn't. You didn't.
00:31:14Anyway, before any of that before people knew any of that stuff. I hate that people were so tough. Especially people you're my age and grew up on Star Wars and she's like, oh my God, not only, are they making a new one. It's George. Lucas is making a new one. This is going to be amazing. What did you do wrong? It's going to be the rise of Darth Vader cuz you never the posters had the little little boy and then the shadow of photos of Darth Vader. There were lines everywhere, like months, and I'm not exaggerated know you're not where I used to live in in Huntington West Virginia, and me and my roommate worked at the same place and we work four tens. Okay. So, every Friday we had off every Friday, we could go to BW3's the BW, threes in Huntington was just it was within sight of the movie theater. I'm not kidding a month. Before that thing was released. There were people out there.
00:32:14So we would send BW3's have a lot of beers and look out. And we would see, you know, people dressed up like Darth Vader like Yoda and everything else standing out there in line. Cuz they're the ones that are in front of the line, are the hardcore ones that are dressed up there were tense, right? It was a big deal. It was a big deal, you? Okay? So this is it. I mean, it's a, it's in Huntington. It's still a city, you know, there was a city block, so they were around the block lined up it kept going and going until the night of the release. We were there at the, at the B-Dubs getting snakard. Yes, and I think it was me. I'm a contact. So it probably was me. Probably the one that said, let's go see if we can get in to see this movie and it sounds funny to me now, so I probably did because it was ludicrous. We've seen the same people out there for a month. Okay, so we stumble down
00:33:14Do the theater. Now, the way they had to set up the keith-albee had to ticket takers. Okay, I'm out. Front is an old-style. If you look this up on the interwebs, it's not there anymore. But it looks like the old-style, like, the golden and stuff. I mean, it's like a really old theater. They had a ticket taker for a phantom menace and a ticket taker for the other five movies that no one gives a damn about the theater at that time. Had any other movie showing that mean? It's like, I know that the smart thing to do is what's called counterprogramming. So when you have a Sci-Fi Adventure like Star Wars, you know, you're also going to show like the remains of the day. So that the four out there who aren't the only people who aren't interested in seeing this will have something else Follow That Bird. I wish I had went to see if all that I would have done so, you know anyone that's really paying attention and listen to the story will think. Well, why didn't you just go buy a tick?
00:34:14Some other movie and then just walk into the phantom menace. That would have been a very intelligent thing to do. But we were drunk and we thought this was hilarious. So we went up to remember it was a girl and she was in her twenties. So we're in our forties though. It was definitely a girl. We're on our way. We weren't for to spend with her being a gun 83. Right now. They're okay though. You've got a drunk Mike. Okay. In his 20s where you hugging people not yet? Okay, not yet. I don't know. Probably was we we bypass? What do I remember? There was a Darth Vader who was in front in line and there were a couple of Queen Amidala is you nervous? Cuz she has the funky hair. Yes, so they had wigs with the funky hair. Guess they were all up front. We walk right in front of them and I say to the lady which is this is like, this is phantom menace. This is for all the other movies. I think I'll go to the lady with eye.
00:35:14The other movies and I'd say is charming, as I can be, I need you to sell me, three tickets to go, see The Phantom Menace, and she laughed and I thought. Yeah, okay, and then we're going to leave and she said, okay, and I almost myself.
00:35:35I'm giving her the money now Neil is is my, my roommate. He starts going off. Like, oh my God, I'm getting the tickets. Meanwhile, over my left shoulder. I hear the guy in the Darth Vader. Nothing to make him sound like Darth Vader, but you know, it's the the classic ape sound like Darth Vader. You put it in, its, it makes you sound like you have one of those trachea. I think the only thing we get the tickets, I'm just enough of a laser back in the days of a physical tickets. Not on your phone. Just enough of a to turn around and wave the tickets at the Darth Vader and we walk in. Okay, thank, you know, you're in the same theater.
00:36:34I know I'm going to find, let's, let's go telling me he can't do anything to you cuz he's a nerd and a couple of facts to remember here. I am drunk, right? And back then, I was kind of know, I don't know if you know, if you can believe that, but I was kind of hoping. I'm going to have to get some evidence to back up, his claim. The beauty of the keith-albee is it has a balcony? Okay, and the balcony had been closed for years. They opened it up for the, for the screening of a phantom menace. We go up there, too, because we're thinking, we need to get away from the Darth Vader and all these guys are going to be coming through there to be looking for it. So we go up to the balcony and there's a news lady and she is interviewing a guy in a Yoda costume.
00:37:20And he is drunk off his green ass. He's a big night for local, dude. He's at least.
00:37:306. Ft tall. He was a little bit taller than me way taller than the other day. He had a like a bathrobe. So she would say.
00:37:48Are you excited? Are you excited about the new event? And I reckon he fell over and he called himself as like a tostada. And she's like, I remember I remember her snickering a little bit and saying are you going to be okay, I'm yelling. It's a drunk Eyota as loud as I can. There's kids in there, but I'm drunk and I'm a I saw other people that I knew there didn't see the movie. I mean we said that we were in the theater.
00:38:28Nobody saw the movie. Listen sound, wasn't loud enough. Everyone there right? Had the lightsabers or lightsabers, and they were swinging them around and cheering at everything and every winds artoo-detoo came on the screen. The cheering went on and on four minutes Bruce Springsteen. It's a trash. Can you and McGregor and the other guy taken started, swinging the lightsabers and fighting his Jedi, people were cheering every time a lightsaber was lit. People were cheering with Darth Maul did his dual lightsaber thing. I think babies were had I had no idea what the story was. I didn't know anything. I couldn't hear it. And it was I had to go back like 3 days later. I saw it a different theater in. Actually got the sense of it.
00:39:20Yeah, so I literally had to pay twice to see The Phantom Menace because I had no idea what happened. The first time I couldn't hear any of it. I hated that. You paid swipe to see that garbage piece of crap. And like you said, all these stories are true. They are this. This particular story is one of my all-time favorites. It goes back to when I lived in Tennessee and it involves my friends, Shanna Brown and Chad Fraley. And it was the night. We went to Perkins Ella cuz we have nothing. It was, it was it was a long time ago in my twenties. I was out with with my buddy, Shannon to Chad and Shannon Brown and Chad Fraley & Fraley lightest with limited.
00:40:20Ben Simmons house. Yes, we go out on his boat.
00:40:23Occasionally Paul Stanley would be there and he would he would grow hot dogs allowed to keep going on with this know, Peter Criss just sat in the car. So we went out and after, after we were out of gas use for a few hours, we all went to a Perkins restaurant and I think you and I were talking about sometimes things happen, that makes you feel like you're in the middle of an episode of Seinfeld. Write. This is one of those nights where we where we really felt and we didn't plan it, but we didn't mean for it to just, it just happened this way. So, we're at Perkins and the waitress comes over and she asked, Shannon. What would you like to eat in Santa says I'll have the teriyaki chicken bread, bowls out. And then she asks, Chad and Chad says, you know what? I'm also going to have the teriyaki chicken bread bowls and then the waitress looks at me and I said, I'm going to have the pancakes.
00:41:21And Shannon says, how come you're not going to have the teriyaki chicken bowl salad and then chances? Yeah, he's getting the teriyaki chicken bowl. Salad. I ordered the teriyaki chicken. You should order a teriyaki chicken bowl salad. I would have ordered the teriyaki chicken bowl salad, but I don't want the teriyaki chicken Breville show. That's why I ordered the pancake.
00:41:49It's teriyaki chicken in a bread bowl on top of a salad. I'm like, I know what a teriyaki. Chicken bread bowl salad. It is, I just don't want it. And finally, the waitress just stopped and she's like, guys, he doesn't want the teriyaki chicken bowl salad. Okay. I know the truth after the bars, close at 2:30, all the drunks come in and I know that she went home. So I told her boyfriend or husband or whatever says, Idaho God.
00:42:24The weirdest people as ISO.
00:42:30Speaking of weird people, you know, do you remember what episode are we on two or three when Don Smith reached out to us and asked us to be on his show? We sucked. But we had we had an established a large base of sucking as to where he wouldn't have a son to show. It was the perfect opportunity for us. It was when you think he knew what he was. Getting his only hit it. I'm two episodes. And if you're up for a laugh or a non laugh, our relook at it, go back and listen to episode 2 and then think yourself. What? I have those guys on my show, that man is a saint, I know it would. Smith had us on his show to to promote the ear of a bad syndrome and that was awesome. So, after we had a few episodes in us, and we do kind of what we were doing. Invited Dawn on our show, fantastic guest in my favorite question that he answered, was this one?
00:43:29Hello. Do you have? Do you have any OCD habits? I have a lot of OCD. Okay, but my dad was severely as it is still, he still around is severely OCD. So that a lot of that got on to me. I think one of the weirdest ones that I do is when I take my socks off at night, I always take my left sock out off inside out, just the left one, the right. The right one is not inside out. The reason is when I do the laundry, I can match them back up.
00:44:06Cuz I don't, you can't wear a right sock on your left foot because they stretch different. And then you have that little dangly bit that curls up by your toes and it irritates the hell out of me. So no, I that is one of my weirdest. That is not a lie. That is actually my first wife thought there was something wrong with me. I would not let her do my laundry because I want my socks. A certain way is your right foot significantly different shape than the level. You mind your own damn business.
00:44:49I was reading a David Sedaris. Going to have a very large, big toes and they stretch out my socks differently. Okay? Okay. Okay, you know what? They say about a guy with large, big toes. Big shoes. Yeah. They don't really say, don't say anything, just weird years ago. I read David Sedaris book called Me Talk, Pretty One Day and there's a whole chapter devoted to his OCD habits. And, you know, when he was younger, he would, he would put his tongue on the doorknob and he had to walk around three times before you open the door and had to walk around three times for you close the door and he was doing this at school and in his teacher was losing it just lose it, as soon as you went to pay him, a visit at home, had David comes home and the teacher was there talking to his mother? And she told him, I call the things that he was doing at school after she left, you know, he's like Mom, come on, who cares. If I have to lick the door knob before, I want to turn around four times, before I put my sock on she goes, well,
00:45:49English teacher that to my dad counts. Haha. My dad County Council has pockets, he counts everything and he doesn't even know he's doing it half the time and he'll he'll count by twos. He'll count by tens 1. 1 2. 1 2 3 4. 1 2 3 4 5. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, a bit. One. Two, one, two, three, four. I was when I was a teenager, I was sitting in the kitchen. Once we have a bathroom, right off the kitchen. And I heard him in there talking to himself. And instead of counting that day. He was saying, hey you, if I open the door and he's looking in the mirror combing, his hair going. Hey. Hey. Hey you. Hey, you.
00:46:34Just for, like 20 minutes, he's doing this. And I'm thinking that is the funniest thing in the world. He comes out and I said, dad, were you talking to you? Or were you actually talking to your car going about as like, I heard you say, Hey, you like 40 different. So yeah, I'm not that bad. My sock thing. That's A Private Matter. Everybody doesn't know about that. This is, this is a rare. Well, they do not hurry other than my white, my ex-wife in me.
00:47:14I've had people come back and say that John Smith. This is that's one of their favorite episodes episode 25. Yeah. It was a big fan of the show. He's a big fan of show said are you going to put any Adan Smith on there? And Jason Durbin asked the same thing. So Don Smith was very popular and we were happy that he was on the show. So I want to I want to I want to talk about this next clip just a little bit here is we typically have a thing going on where in you prepare and I don't intend in some times that sometimes I'll go off on a chance. Sometimes it pays off. Sometimes I'll go off on a tangent or sometimes you'll you'll pull things together and it but there's times when both of those things work together perfectly and I think this next clip shows it, you prepared from the Hilton Head and then I came in
00:48:14Old and unprepared. And we went down a rabbit hole and go back in and We Came Upon an aspect to give too much away. An aspect of this product that neither of us knew about before we made a phone call to never drink and it went off in a whole different direction. There is a Piggly. Wiggly grocery store. I love that name. Yes, the Piggly Wiggly. We don't have one growing up in Virginia. And I think there may be one left and maybe and hoping that I don't know. So it's the only game in town. So I go to the Piggly Wiggly. Now getting some stuff and I'll get some sandwich bags. I have found the sandwich. Bags are amazing. Okay, the sandwich bags are a ziplock and they have. And I quote unbeatable Griffin, seal technology Griffin, seal technology. It's the bag on the go. Okay, and then there's there's all kinds of information on the
00:49:14Okay, more information that I think people really need. Okay for sandwich bags. There bpa-free. That's important. Okay, don't want any to the PPA is in there. Okay. I don't know what that means. But hey, well, it can cause things. Well, then I don't want to call something. These bags are made with wind power. Okay? Okay. Okay. Now I know some people may think that if they're made with windmills. Yeah, they made these Banks may cause cancer. I don't know. And they may be a bird murdering sons of, for details, what details do I need to know about a sandwich bag, you know, windmills. Don't work on a on a globe, you need a flat Earth. That's true. That is trust you to get that lateral, movement to the bottom. Okay, read more about the Ziploc bags. Yeah, and, you know, to avoid see the group in Seal Seal Seal on a griddable unbeatable in the bottom of that Circle.
00:50:14Okay. Okay. All right on the bottom, well, to avoid danger of Suffocation. Keep bags away from babies and young children of the film, The thin-film a clean to nose and mouth and prevent breathing, and I get that zip lock bags are reusable after hand washing and drying, or are you all right. Now, that's an intern at the Ziploc company who was told to come up with positives about these bags eggs or potentially allergy triggering Foods. Okay, so it don't put your nuts in a ziplock bag.
00:50:58Cuz if somebody forgets to wash it appropriately they can have a reaction. Exactly. Not recommended for use in microwave. Okay? For storage of liquid. So if you wanted to put some gasoline in here don't don't do that. Don't do that. There's more. Okay, for product information. Storage tips or recipes storage tips. Go to Ziploc. Calm. Now my God, they have a website and if the website isn't enough if your old school if you have questions or comments, there's an 800 number. Now. I'm like Arena call this number. I'm thinking we should what's the number 1-800?
00:51:45Okay, if I put him on speakerphone here, and you should be able to hear, I'm okay actually a.m. To 5 p.m. Central Time Monday through Friday, excluding holidays and special. Please call our Healthcare professionals.
00:52:13Wait a minute.
00:52:1784 hours a day 7 days a week.
00:52:26I've got some medical emergency money. Call the ziplock hotline. Why are you calling this walking to have a medical emergency medical emergency number on there? You have to call the customer, you have to call for tips. You have to call for storage tips to get to the medical emergencies. Then you would cause there's all kinds of medical emergencies. You could have got my hand stuck in this bag.
00:52:53So, I'm trying to imagine some of the questions that you would have four four Ziploc. I have so many like I put some grapes in the bag. Is that okay? You can call and say can I put more than one sandwich in this bag? Okay. Give me a call and say, how do I close it? How how do I open this bag? Is that they still do the yellow and blue, make green purple. Purple specs.
00:53:33I've got it. I've got it. I've got a question. You can't put allergy inducing running right like not. Can't put your knife in the back. But can you put nuts and bolts possible? I would like to a good question. Yeah. I mean I can you put nuts in the same bag that you put the bolts? Or should they be? Kept segregated question. I put crackers in the back up. I forgot to close it. Now. What should I do? Question? Can I eat the bag? Yeah, you know, these are all good questions to have to do you make, edible, Ziploc vacuum, ajan edible. Ziplocs, Ziplocs open it. You just like the goldfish in the bag because if they say no them people down at the fair, got a lot of explaining to do and then they transfer.
00:54:33Do they have bags? Large enough for a bass? Yeah, that's a good question. You got enough. That's a good question. But if you had more, but you could just call us. They do this seal rocks. You don't know. Or I like how I can put something in the bag and be able to tell later what it is cuz you can see through the bag. What why did you guys stop using yellow and blue? Make green? You say, dad in what? Purple and something make pink pink and blue. Is it red and blue make purple. If you open up the bag, it's purple. No, it's, it's blue and red and when you're a big purple, so why did they do that? Instead of blue and green, is it because of people that color blind, did they complain? That's a good question. I have to call them back to call the hotline. And if we have a medical emergency, I have a medical emergency. That says, I have a medical emergency. I have put my nuts.
00:55:33Black bag and color blind. And I can't tell if I closed it properly, it too much. So now I have a Something About Mary situation. I put my nuts in it. Do I not my Frank, Frank since any head shots? So, we have to call these people back. Strong enough to use again. I can see that. I mean, help, or are you if your reusing Ziploc bags? I don't know. 90 sandwich, Betty's. It couldn't make it, they couldn't put 10 more in there.
00:56:13But again, Ziploc, it's unbeatable concealed technology, who makes the Ziploc SC Johnson, a family company of the Johnson & Johnson facing. I don't know. I'm not prepared. I wasn't prepared for follow-up questions. That's more questions for the hotline. Exactly. So we will we will call the hotline going to call. I guess we are and they're going to make us delete this episode is what I really want to know the medical emergency cuz your daughter I'm going to call Ziploc. I have they given the number for a local hospital where they are. Do they have a doctor that they have some kind of I don't know. Agreement with that. He takes all the ziplock injuries or do they have an actual person on staff? Is it a job that can I go on Monster?
00:57:14Do I need a medical degree to be the ziplock safety? Is it is it is it a safety degree? Or is it a medical degree? You think you would need a medical degree. People going to be call with medical issues or involving the ziplock bag Ziploc over here. And I couldn't wait to talk to you about the Ziploc bags. I had no idea that we would get into a medical emergency. And now I'm wondering what something had to have gone wrong for them. To launch a medical emergency hotline number at Ziploc bags of all the things that don't have medical emergency hotline, you buy a hammer. Haha. There's no medical emergency hotline for hammer and they're probably should be if I put a kid in a room with a ziplock bag.
00:58:14Cameron, what they're saying, what they're saying is in more danger with the ziplock that much. I understand you suffocate but he's probably going to go for that hammer. Can you put the hammer in the bag? Yeah, but you probably can't seal it,. No, there's no way you'll be able to answer on the size of the bag.
00:58:38Which if the hammer is small enough to go in the bag, that's a really crappy Hammer. That's what she said.
00:58:48Our one year anniversary special. We're glad you're still listening to us. We've got some more Clips. Okay. So this next one, this again, true story. True story through meeting when I walked in to her house today. You look up in the tree still there. So it's yes, sir. There is a decoration in our tree in our front yard that has been there for about two to three years. It's a poop bag containing poop.
00:59:30The ice long up there. I used to do cuz I didn't want to carry poop around. When I was mrs. Molly's poop. This tells you how old it was. Okay, all he's been dead for two years. Now. You've got a bag of dog hanging in there to the other way to put it. It's been there for years. Here's the deal. Alright, you disgust me. I would pick up that I would pick up her poop. We would go in a little circular circular circuitous route security. Yahoo! You George W. Bush. We go through the nuclears nuclear for fun. I can't even accidentally do it. Anyway, she would poop right off the bat and I didn't want to carry it through the whole thing that I was across the street from my house. So I just fling it flowing up through. I got really good at flinging poo, a good 20, 30 feet. Will this one happened to go up in the tree? About 10 ft?
01:00:21Good night was one of those things. Like, I was like, well, I'll get that poop down eventually. Way. You would take the bag of dog poop. Yes, and and throw it. Sing it. Sing it to where try to get into your yard. Okay, send them when we came back. I would pick up, you didn't realize your Herculean strength. You through the bag of dog crap you through it and then it went to a tree and a tree is still there. I have a ladder but I'm not getting the ladder out for that. I figured it would eventually. I figured it would eventually just disintegrate, you know that a bag plastic bag while I asked me if I remember going to get that poop down.
01:01:08I know I honestly as I'm sitting here I do. I know a couple of months ago. It was still there. I don't know if there is any dog food. New years old has been hanging in the tree.
01:01:21Something I want to talk about before, before we get into. I wish you'd quit changing the
01:01:28Okay, Mike talked about the dog food. No, it's not a Kroger bag. Your finger goes right through those. How much? How much dog food would you say? Is in the bag was small amount? You got a big. Molly was a lot. Yeah. She could it. Okay. Is it a very oddly? Small amount of poop 3ft. Download Branch, dog, poop ways, Mike.
01:02:09Since it's the only thing you want to talk about about the one and a half hours, one and a half ounces is a small for the amount of poop that you are wanting to get that out of the even know if she knew that it happened. Haha. I saw it, come out, okay and captured it and looked and I saw where there were thirty feet from our house. Right? Right, right. What type of sounded it make when it when it hit the tree?
01:02:46What type of film is that? It is still there. Now. I can't take it down. It's like it's going to be there for him when this podcast explodes, right people. Come take their pictures under the poop in the back, but they're going to come by. This is the place where Mike and Erin record. It's going to be a sign in front of your house and the dog poop bag is still going to be hereditary.
01:03:28All right. So we reached out to fans. We ask them. What were your favorite moments for the show? And you would not believe how many people loved this particular episode. Again? A true story. I love the story, Donnie broke, his foot ever get around our years ago. We were at this bar in Johnson City, Tennessee, called The Casbah YouTube. Did you Rock the Casbah many? Many, many times. I'm about to be. Okay, is the very small great place to see live music and there was a band that we went to seek out there called big ass truck.
01:04:28Just heard of this electric guitar players.
01:04:39Yeah, wiki wiki guy. Okay, right. Okay, so I don't know how many times you saw a big ass truck. There's no way to count how many times and every time was a black so my buddy, Donnie came to the show and Donnie's. Drunk. Donnie is dancing. His butt off, just dancing and dancing. There's no stopping him. Donate don't even try or Donnie will hurt you because he's having a blast. If he comes over to the table and he says get the quacker ready? Good.
01:05:15My friend Jimmy, who is now a doctor if she lived for apartments down from she was home, know. I did. Look at it cuz I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm not going to medical school. I know a little bit about this, but I really need to look at your foot. He needs. Would you shut up? And he pulls off his artificial leg on fire.
01:06:15My house is my apartment and the next day, he's walking around with his with his artificial leg in the foot.
01:06:32I love that store tonight. So I hadn't talked to Donnie in a while and you and I had mentioned that we're putting them into the show and do our best of show. I get a text from him and I said, oh, yeah, listen next week, so he's going to get a chance to pick it up.
01:06:52So earlier in the episode we mentioned Dave Lay the heart and soul of this podcast. He holds everything together. You guys got a voice of gold. He's the reason my wife listen to the podcast true. It is true and
01:07:08So one of the things that people mentioned that they loved was his commercials. Now, how can you pick? So it one commercial over another, I got to say okay, one of the comments that we get cuz I've been trying to promote or show one of the comments. I got mon honest. I think I was on Reddit. Yeah, they said that they were confused as to whether these were real products or not. They said it was ingenious that we were advertising for absolute real commercials.
01:07:36Can't wait to go. I'd like to point out that I'm actually sleeping with the audio engineer.
01:07:52This portion of irritable bowel syndrome is brought you by Whoppers Aldi, footlong hot dogs. Otis elevators. Sweet. Delicious apples Kenner toys. Crank Cola. Smooth. My.com bone-sucking mustard. No, we're not sponsored by Cadillac but wouldn't that be swell? Zipper Lube, worldwide pants, planking with Jim Guadalupe Shrimp. Po Boy, Palace under Rouge the underwear. That's fun to wear Boz Scaggs Greatest Hits vs. Liquid concentrated wallpaper Stripper by everybody. It's your best friend. Dave. And if there's one word that describes me, it's Brian loyal. One thing. I hate the most is the man trying to tell me what to do. If you have trouble reading seeing road signs for recognizing faces. When people are talking to you, you should consider getting a pair of glasses. Anyone who tries to tell me different quite frankly. You can suck it. You can take away my death. Would you pry it from my cold dead hand? People often ask me, Dave, you really enjoy Whoppers all beef.
01:08:52Footlong hot dogs and I say you're damn, right? I do well have a seat Tony. I have a product for you. Now. I know you're sitting there saying day. That's both. We know that there are dozens of apples to shoes. So, ask your local produce department employee, which apples are right for you. In my mini adventures. In this world. I've seen fast cars, wild bars and women. So hot. They melt the floor under your feet. But I've never seen anything quite like, the wallpaper stripping power of death. I've been riding Otis elevators, all my life. And if I'm ever in a building that doesn't have a notice, I say screw it. I'm taking this death is fast and easy just like my high-school girlfriend. Whenever I get invited to my neighbor's cookout. I asked three questions. Will there be ladies? Will there be beer and will there be Whoppers all beef footlong hot dogs? How many times have you said, man? I'd love to strip the wallpaper on that living room, but I just don't have the time. Well, now you do with diff. Hi. I'm Dave play and Ike.
01:09:52Can't see without my glasses. I'm not screwing around here. I'm about as useless as the tracking button on a VCR. It's not mustard, unless it's bone-sucking mustard. Don't Google it. It work. Trust me when I'm stripping wallpaper. I take this seriously. Make your lung look less embarrassing with Troy-Bilt. Get a ruler and measure yourself. If you are hot, dog isn't a footlong. They'll refund your money, guaranteed. The fine, folks, at Craig refused to sell their soda in anything, but a glass bottle, just like God, intended. Imagine all the free time. You'll have after. Stripping wallpaper with diff hell, you could take a walk, go to a movie or shoot pool with your old buddy. That just got out of prison, Whoppers are perfect with chili cheese and onions, or if you are woman ketchup. I've worn glasses for years. They're comfortable and the ladies think they make me look sexy as hell. There's nothing like the feel the smell in the comfort of an Otis Elevator. Oh, and did I mention that? No Steamers needed. I know, it sounds too good to be true.
01:10:52But I'm serious. As a pimp on payday. You followed me here. A lot of load of crap. I don't mean to sound defensive here. But if you're using an inferior product to remove wallpaper, well my friend, you're an idiot, a knuckle dragger mouth-breathing light beer, drinking idiot, and nobody likes you with nine locations in the US, Canada and Vermont. There's bound to be one near you somewhere. You know, I was at my local hardware store, last Thursday stocking up on diff and is hot sales. Lady was like, Hey, I see your mind. If easy up, Easy Down, Easy all around. I love you. Now. I'm going to have another beer and some tell him which he's so be a man, get a pair of glasses and start seeing stuff today. Now back to our show.
01:11:35That's awesome. You're the man. So, Mike and I were talking about all the episodes that we've done in there was one time one episode where I didn't realize we had sexual tension as a guest on the show and I was trying to read a David Sedaris story about a squirrel falling in love with the chipmunk, and Mike would not shut up. I threw it at him. I don't remember that.
01:12:13In my defense, I thought it was funny. My kid. We were at the pool in his little brother. Dude. Stop that he goes. Yeah, okay, and he apologized in my defense. I thought it was great. Thanks, Mike. Thanks.
01:12:38No, did you put my eyes a lot of interruptions? But I thought the interruptions were funny, Ha-Ha. And she listened to it. Just like 2 or 3 days ago. She's like, I listen to it and you were interrupting him a lot. So you cut out more interruptions than that. And like, yeah, she's like, okay.
01:13:05Is a giver interrupting him, a y, like a whole lot. I couldn't get a word out. I just couldn't. I was interrupting you quite a bit. You're telling me this. I didn't realize I forgot. How do you know what? It's like? It's like you ever had like a drunk friend and you're not, you haven't drink anything. You're like a driver and they think they are freaking hilarious high. And you're just like trying to hold it together and you're in that zone between man. If I snap on this guy, we're not going to be friends anymore. But if I can't go along with him because I'm not there either. You're just babysitting him.
01:13:43It's like me you and France after the Metallica show on your television.
01:13:52Garcon.
01:13:54Is there a bird called? That's my buddy. Mike McDonald's?
01:14:02This this next clip is one of my favorite from the entire year. So Mike and I are always talking about crazy people who we run into and it's helped us out every episode. But this particular episode gives you advice if you're ever at a party and you're unhappy being there. This is something that you can set a couple years ago. I believe it was Easter. We are have been known to invite. Strays over to our house stray dogs. No, secret people who don't have families through Campbell have who aren't like the beaver guy. Are we invited?
01:14:52People who don't have families or plans or places to go on this particular holiday, so we invited some people over to our house, with their flea, and tick collar hanging from their, from their ear.
01:15:10Couple years ago, it was a holiday weekend and living. I have been famous for inviting Strays over to our house. Straight people, three people people who don't have plans who don't have families that live nearby. They don't have anywhere else to go for this particular holiday. So just come on over to our house to invited five people. Okay, maybe 6, not a lot, not going crazy. So I end up on a Craigslist Killer. So these people came and we had some chairs set up in the yard and we're sitting and we're talkin and this person comes up and I said, hey, can I get you some water or something to drink if you want a Coke, we've got some beer if that's his thing or whatever. Okay, so when do the house and I'm helping Libby, get some stuff ready and we're talking to another one of our friends.
01:16:04This particular person walks into the house. May have been there. 10 minutes walk Center for living says, I don't want to be here.
01:16:15I'm going to leave.
01:16:18Where it, where is your front door?
01:16:25Keep on the front of the house or both just makes me want to be a straight. What? And then again, I don't want to be here. I'm going to leave that. We thank you for inviting me. But I'm going to go. Where is your front door? Movie starts? I'm sorry. If you want, we can have that. It's all that powdery found in Cameron's room like a frame is like, they are we eating soon enough is something going on, you know, and she's apologizing, and it's like, it's not that, it's not you not you. And, and so Livia, show the person out you, did you say?
01:17:16I have 30 on a podcast said. Hi. Would you like a seat? Can I get you something to drink? Because I don't want to be. Here is a term that is reserved for, let's say, you walk into a room, and there's a full-on orgy. I'm not into that. I don't want to be here, a room, and there's like a satanic cult, and there's a human sacrifice perfectly. Except, you know, there's all the candles and then there's the the the stuff for it. I'm not into Bizzle bub. Exactly. I don't want to be here and I'm going to leave. Yes. I walked into a building that you're invited to a party and it's like a log Burger party or an M1A. I don't want to be here, so little Tupperware, but my biggest question is where
01:18:16Front door so hard. Is it to find a ride or basically, you know, walk around? Look for a door on our house. Isn't that big find any door? There's a pretty good chance it goes outside. Can I specially if it's next to a window that you can see through? Can I deflate all the comedy out of this briefly? Sure. Something that I've learned that may Save a Life at some point, any time in your life, you are ever lost. If you reach out and put your hand on your left wall and you go through the entire structure with your hand and you never lift it. You'll eventually find your way out the front door.
01:19:06I swear, it works. It's amazing. I've used it cuz I I read it somewhere. I've used it in video games. I've gotten out of so many Dungeons and video game using that. I've only used it in real life.
01:19:2190 twice. Max one time. One time, me. And best went to some friends of ours were checking out a band for their wedding and the band was playing the casino casinos are notorious for not having an easy way out. No clocks or anything like that. Right? And I'm mentally use the left hand trick to find the door to get out. It works. It's it could safe. If if, if this pod, give this episode of this guy saves the life of one of our listeners weave weave, weave weave done. Our job is done our job. Wanted to know where the front door is so I can leave walked in the house, yet the garage.
01:20:13And said, I don't want to be here. Where is your front door? Came in through the garage and leave through a different route. All you had to do is turn around and go out through the garage. So, you know, some me hear this story and think what kind of palatial estate does Darren have.
01:20:34My house, isn't that bitch? Not huge. There's yeah. It's about, I mean, it's a little bit bigger than this house, but still one could find their way out of this house. We have a front door. Yeah. We have a back door that goes out to our deck. Now. Let me stop you. Let me walk into the garage. Let me stop you right there. Okay, the front door is named because it's on the front of the house, playing of the house. The back door is named because it's on the back playing at the house. So if you geographically know where the front and back of the house, are you cut out? 50% of the House of where the door could be right now? You just need to know whether I'm a space in the front of the back.
01:21:17You don't need a jerk like that at your party.
01:21:23Charlie, this person had been going through a lot of things. I think that's great. Dude. You've inspired you. Well, I went to work. Right? And I'm telling my co-workers was your week and Eric sit down in my ball, my God. Okay, I would have all these years you have went to parties and just sat through crap that I didn't want to be. I had to do is say I don't want to be here. You've inspired me. You've inspired our listeners. Somebody with our email address is on our website. You're the one that's in cam. Send me a link or send me send us a video or audio of you going to a party and going up to the host and say I don't want to be here. Where is your front door?
01:22:16Was really wondering what I did wrong. I did nothing wrong. And this is true. But your hand out on the left wall and just follow it complete, you know, you could do that. If you put your hand on the right wall so you can, but if you switch hands, mid waiting to get lost. So this next story is one from my youth, my youth as it were I never met your father, right? But after listening to the story, oh, I wish I could.
01:22:59Date. They had door-to-door salesman the dead Encyclopedia Britannica. I might have told this story if I told this story about you get a through C through CH something like that. He brought you brought like a couple of weeks in and he goes to. The whole Spiel is me and my dad, my mom, and then my dad was like, well, how much does it cost? And I forget what it was but it wasn't like an astronomical number. And I snow sit down at the trade. Well, couple miles from her house. They were selling the funk & wagnalls for like $5 or something. At the volume. It was something ridiculous, like thousands of dollars or something. I having a kid. I don't know what it was. I told him I had to go.
01:23:56My dad was like, you know, that's that's too. We're not going to do that. That's too expensive. And he says if money were not the object. Would you would you get them? And he said, yeah right there. Yeah, if we didn't have to pay for him, we would take them. He said, yeah. Because the new goes through the whole, the quality of the pages, you showed the stitching, all the it like cuz he had no he hadn't, he had lasted over and he says that they had like a kind of way you can do the whole thing man. He was in the tan suit, he was wearing, never told anybody that and who's this color tan suit and you know, just going to the whole thing and he says, so now we must go ahead and sign up at my dad's. I told you it's too expensive. We're not going to pay for this and he said, but if money weren't the object,
01:24:52Eminem's, like, yeah, but money is the object just kept going. Send me and my mom are sitting if I were made out of my arm, right, but if I what me and my mom, are you going with my dad, you know, he passed when he when he was relatively young 33. So, you know, you never met him or talk to him, but he was very soft-spoken. Got a great sense of humor and very serious when he needed to be. And he just said he leaned into the guy like really close. He said, I told you. No. And you need to leave her house. The guy said, but I can tell you guys really, really like these encyclopedia is
01:25:46And I can tell that if money weren't the issue, you would take them. So let's talk about ways in which we can help you pay for my, my dad said, okay.
01:25:57In my bedroom, which is down the hall. There's a dresser in the top drawer of the dresser. So 9. Mm pistol.
01:26:06It's currently not loaded. So it's going to take me a minute to get in there and load it. But when I come back, if you are still in my house, I'm going to empty it into you. And then my dad just called and the guy. Cuz if they looked at me, I don't know why. You looked at me like he looked at my mom and my mom. Very calmly said, I think you serious. I think you better leave all over the place them in the box. All this stuff. Like my David's, I could see the way our house was set up. I could leave back and I could see him like that and he wasn't going to come down the hallway and kill the guy. But he was being, you know, how like how they talk about how the best home defense is that is a shotgun cuz that rack everybody.
01:27:06He was going through it and he started stopping down the hallway as the guy was running out of other roof. With a long driveway. It's just tearing down the driveway. Haha, messing up his tires. Hitting the rock wall, on the way down goes in those neighbor's yard across our best and peels out up the street. And we laughed about that for days. That was the story that for around the neighborhood for days. It was all. So dad is awesome.
01:27:41Okay, if I, if I may, if I may have noticed that at least, two of my Clips, One Clip, involves me injuring. My child with salsa, the last one involves a tale of my father, threatening to shoot. Somebody might have a degree of violence to them. Pay my stories. Involve me showering, random kids off in the backyard and a guy. Ripping his leg off, and slamming it down on the table. Okay. All right. We need we may need our lawyer for this. Next one is awful. Horrible. It's one of the worst things we've ever done. Cancel be the worst thing we've ever since I've considered. I've considered removing it from our repertoire and we should sue ourselves. So we was so horrible. So, yeah, so and I don't know if we mention it in the clip that we're going to mention it. Now, we would never do that. Never, never knew.
01:28:40What would make a lot of money to be so successful? The scouts and we haven't talked in hushed tones because there was a gaggle of women of Mom of mom, but then this idea hit and talk it out. Yes. We talked about. What do we call the Vintage, man? Here's a business idea, for
01:29:13Take this is this is the experience of service? Okay? Guys, to go back and things were right or how they're supposed to be.
01:29:33The following segment is a joke, the host staff and management of irritable Down syndrome. Incorporated would like to sincerely apologize. If anyone's offended. It is not recommended that. You try to sue us because our lawyer Andrew Gibbons does not screw around. And if you meet him in court, he will crush you. Thank you for understanding.
01:29:53Yeah, there's a certain demographic that just fit. So I believe we believe we have there's a new market for it. This idea for both of us. And that's part of what makes it hilarious. We do not condone this, but we would make a lot of money with it. The Vintage man, and we only had we had three, so you go in, there's three scenarios. You have a living room, a car, and the office in the office, right? You can be part of the Vintage man experience that you can sign up for for like an hour. For half a day, a day, a weekend will be a several packages. You can step back into the what it was like to be a man in the 50s. And so you, you pay different levels. So everything will have like a fifties Decor, obviously.
01:30:53Scott's there for you two to three for you. When you get home paper your slippers, you know, you could pay to have a woman there to pretend to be your wife. You could tell her to bring you the paper. Tell her to bring you your sky as Shaklee exactly. But a different than sea levels and Serbia level where you can complain about the roast and let you know what, sorry. Dear and then, she brings it to me. She's an actor, she cut your meat for you. He's an actor as a service. Yeah. Okay, whatever. Okay, but I'm just saying, right, these, this is this is a service for the type of man, not us. I have no interest at all in this. Now. The office is basically Mad Men. You go in and pay for the secretary to come in. You all laugh.
01:31:53Power to its Superior, a lot of money. That's a lot of money for that service and she walks out. It's a service. This is a horrible thing is awful. Yes. I do not, condone to never be done. No, not at all. Black people would pay a lot of money, but it would make a lot of money would make a lot of money. And then the third one is the car. If it take your Lee excited about because you could be like a ride right through it, like Disney or something and actual track exactly. With a couple of things will one get the mail and the only person allowed to pack the trunk yet. You you pack the truck cuz you hit the Packy directly and you can bring your own things to pack in there or we would supply business owners and they are supplied, right? You're not going to put your own wife's through this because you will be divorced within a minute. No, but there's a lady there who would suggest directions at which point you could say. I know exactly where I'm going.
01:32:53Exactly. There's a guy you can have a guy along the track that you could stop him or any demands you is stop and ask for directions and you could stop and tell him to go by himself and then pull on around the track. There's even going to be a place on the track to pull over and yell at your kid, right? Who's you could buy a kid right now? You can smoke if you want lip sections. Don't clip be said you could buy a kid.
01:33:23I don't want any weird emails from Wayfair or any of this stuff on your work computer. And in you could yell at that kid, haha. And after, and after the kid actor, who had a kid in the movie Pet Sematary that somebody's neck and like, I'm really, really scared, but they were also they will act this disgusting act out these things like the movie hostel, but nobody gets hurt. Nobody. Yeah, they're all, they're all in there.
01:34:09Vintage mayor vintage man different levels. And I think we just we just pointed out like that would be the top level. Talking, a lot of money to be a lot of money for this. Yeah. So so, you know, it's like if you like, if you like smoking at your desk and yelling at kids, and doing things, the way things are supposed to be looking at a barbershop. Actually, you can ask barber shops, light, green, dark and green with with with, with an ashtray at every barber chair, and it was a lot of dark green and dark like, cherry wood. And The Barbers had a towel ring over one shoulder. An apron for some stupid reason. And every other day gave every man, the same damn haircut. All you did was sit down and instead short it up a bit.
01:35:09Yeah, it's freaking out to Chena. Would come from the bathroom with a pistol and put it in your brain separates. You be gone the VA. Give Me A Flock of Seagulls in the front and party. In the back. We, we do not condone the Vintage man. Nor would we ever do it? No. Never would we do it, but we know it would make a lot of money we make out. We would be able to have cold stare, all my God. Will. We would be like the, my pillow guy? Like everybody hates them. If we did this, it would be it. Would survive for babies 6-months, write possibly 7, but we're not going to do it because it has, no, it is disgusting, but I would never do anything like that ever.
01:36:11Your honor. If I may approach the bench. I want to reiterate that I and you right. Would never do. That's not even funny. I am you, that's not funny. That's what a lot of people say is that you and I are not funny at all. Especially not the first
01:36:35That particular episode aired. Yeah, we got a review that said it was three words, dude. Vintage me.
01:36:49Okay, what's that? Good is not. It's not in our normal episode is in a bonus episode of Patron. A patreon boarded, an entire bonus. Episode 4 are all of our Patron listeners. One of many to come simply called, I swear to God. I thought it was a beaver.
01:37:15We live in Cincinnati and you were talking about musicals in this reminded me of something years ago. Some friends of mine Sandy and Leanne came up from Knoxville. They were in town and we bought tickets to see the producers at the Aronoff Center. The Aronoff Center. If you're ever in Cincinnati, you want to go to a show. Go to The Aronoff Center. That's the place the place to go. It is a beautiful theater at the sound is fantastic. The people are great. And you will truly enjoy the theatrical experience at the arrow. So we go to see. Now at the time, I used to work at a TV station downtown to park there for free. So we parked at the station and we walked
01:38:00I want to save five blocks and then to over. So the equivalent of about 7 city blocks and Sandy and LeeAnn, or a little nervous, but is it safe to walk back? I'm like, yeah, we're going to be just fine. So when we walk to the show, Sun, still out can after the show, it's dark. We're walking out of the play. UK, a guy approaches us. All right, it's it's Sandy Lee and me and Libby, a guy approaches us and starts talking.
01:38:34Tell me the one person who's ever since talking to me. So I want to talk to you about something and usually the first thing you say is said, do you have any money? I don't have cash on me. I'm sorry. Thank you. And goodnight. Whatever. Okay, I was just down by the river cuz the Cincinnati has the Ohio river. That separates Cincinnati from Kentucky. I was just by the river and I swear to God I saw.
01:39:12And I said, really, he says, yeah, the river Beaver. OK, Google Leann are huffing. Know. What time is this? What time is 11? Okay. Did you spend just keep going and going and going, right? And Lydia are, let's talk this guy about the beaver. I saw a beaver, okay.
01:39:49And I said that, I said that the, he's leaving me to finish his thoughts. You don't think that he's going to attack you up some logs and build a dam. A beaver conspiracy theorist at 11 at night and then this guy is on her left ear.
01:40:26I wonder if you might be able to you know, maybe give me some money because Christmas ain't Christmas, without the one, you love and living are looking at each other, like what the actual hell is going on. I like to hear about the damn beavers or actually stopped because we were laughing, so hard. The guy talk about the beaver and the other, dude, singing The O'Jays Christmas album walk off together. In the last thing. I heard was I swear to God, it was a family and our three blocks ahead of us sound like this. It doesn't get much better than that.
01:41:21The beaver.
01:41:28So before we play our last clip on this, best of episode, Michael wanted to thank you for having me on the podcast. Don't thank you for being on the idea and I was happy to do it. I want to thank my family, you know, we come over we record the show once a week and then we spend time at it in yet. We spend time, you know writing ideas for and stuff and most of all I want to thank our loyal listeners cuz we have listeners who have been here forever. Even let her run is beginning the first dozen or so. But yeah, Chris Hughes we have the oven him so much, but he is been our absolute most loyal listener. He is promoted the show. Yes, he and his girlfriend are our patrons of the show. I want to thank Steve Farrell. I want to dress Michael. I want to think Aaron and Jason Durbin and I want to thank all the other fans are our listener in France, who no matter how many times we asked,
01:42:28Set the chime and they never talk to him. But if you listen to one episode or a dozen or all of them, thank you so much. And I want to thank you for the opportunity to do this because you know, he going back through the clips and listening to the different episodes and stop at the end of the day. You know, it isn't it. It's a it's a thing that we do that. We care about. It's a creative outlet but also in a weird way, we're documenting Our Lives. Yeah, podcast bad. Going back to the clips. I'm like, holy crap. I remember when that happens. And there's there's different things happen along the way, and I wouldn't hate doing if it if it wasn't fun. I look forward to every episode. There's little Snippets clips. That didn't make it, you know, at least three others were, there was wondering the election. I don't know if you remember during the election, the clip came out on Election Day and during the the bit I'm trying to convince people to get out of line. So I think my family cuz it does
01:43:28Time, you know, not just, you know, you if you're, if you're sitting in your car, your office, like, out of our talk, listen to these guys, headed into goes into this and put in the good of the stuff. There's tons of, of minutes of footage. Where were just yelling at each other, or no, or talking about something that will never be on the podcast. So, thank you for your time investment here, on our side, Darvin, and thank you Dave. Thanks Dave. And in all of our listeners, but here is the final clip the best clip again, I know, but it was similar.
01:44:06I called The Cake Lady over. I'll remember in the car, with the kids and a dog. I'm supposed to be in there. Getting a kick. I'm supposed to be gone for 5 minutes to go in by yourself. And I think the cake, I baked a cake was her first most epic to take that had a shooting star on it. And I said, you know, we got to finish this episode and I said, can you write things on there? And she said,
01:44:35She said. Yeah, and I said I I said this without an appointment, like it is, she's like, yeah, we can just just tell me what you want on it, and I'll write it on there. And I was like, happy birthday to rest. It doesn't get expelled. And I said discount Teresa. Okay. She said okay. She went back, she wrote it and she wrote she finished. Then she came over and she's like, how did you how did you spell Teresa? And I told her she went back. She looked at the cake for a while. She came back over to me. She said, give me a minute. I was like, okay good. I don't know what she does. Like. I'm like, how is she going to look? She going to scoop it off? It's going to look weird, but she fixed it fixed it. So, I go through. Now. I'm already kind of it since I've used up my 5 minutes. This whole span of the story is taken 5 minutes. Okay, so I'm on borrowed time. Should I go to self check-out? I hate this. Okay, and I, I scan, you know, cuz that's what I do with the Kroger. I scan it and it starts.
01:45:35This one, it said, please scan your Giant Eagle Something card and I looked and there's no option for. I don't have a Giant Eagle Something card. Okay, so I just put the thing in the bag and I scanned the next stop, please, and your Giant Eagle. What is it? Wrote? Oh, I pull it out. I would do it again. And it said, please just keep saying that. And I'm like, what the hell. So I go in the only lane that doesn't have a lot of people. Haha is the tobacco where you go get the cigarettes with the cigarette rack. And you say there's a guy in front of me. Now. I am, this is now. I'm 8 to 10 minutes. Haha, into a 5 minute trip. So at this point best and the kids and the dog are there, a little annoyed versation is burned in my brain. So there's a guy in front of me and he's trying to get the lady behind the counter. The lady whose job it is to sell cigarettes to people. That's why they put her there, right? That's the one lane that has cigarettes. That's her job. Yes. He wants a certain.
01:46:35Camel, okay. Well, let me see. I only really know what the brands are. Let me see if I can find that you said, what and he tells her again and he's just he's directing hurt you. Three up. Its is 2 / yet. Yeah. Those and I want any. She puts one down and he's like, I need to a. Wow. Well, I never smoked myself. I don't really know much about cigarette. I never did get a taste for it. I just I mean I saw people do it and I know people get addicted but I just never really had a taste for cigarettes myself. Now, I got my vices. Let me tell you I got a sweet tooth. I got other things that I like to do but smoking just never was one of them. Now my sister. Yeah, she smoke. But I never seen or spoke one of these days so I could hide back there.
01:47:30While this is all going and he's letting, you know, I was ushered into it. You were peer-pressured. So wasn't your friend or your and I'm in the back like, what stops?
01:47:47Covers. I want you to feel real time this so the conversation. So you're you're you are you had people that kind of egged you on in the Smoke? They they are smoked and I felt like if I was going to hang around him, I needed to smoke. While I just did I got picked it. Up. How did you get in the damn? I can't. Can you tell a taste difference between a I have I have clothes to snap it. I've closest NAPA to the VAC drive me crazy. So, you finally, he says he's like not I did decide to tell you, then where it looks like it's going to be 8:40. Wow, those are expensive.
01:48:44I can't believe they cost that much. I couldn't afford to have a habit like that. What you going to pay with credit honey? Is that a credit card?
01:48:55Let me see that.
01:48:57Oh, that's got a chip in it. Now. You got to put that chippy. There you go. Bring it right up in there. Okay. Now it's going to are you gay? You ain't got to answer this question, boy. Let me tell you, we can people come in here that can answer them questions. They just go on and they get mad at me and the beat a lot of people get mad at me over that thing, and I'll sit there thinking lady. It, ain't that it's not that. What they're getting bad about, forgetting finishes. The thing is, he's like, well, here's you cigarettes. Now. Good luck with the rest of your day. You doing anything today?
01:49:30And he's walking away and I'm going to see some fireworks. We have that's what people do today and she turns around. Haha. It's somebody's birthday today. Is it to Risa? Yeah, that's, that's my mother-in-law's birthday. Ain't that sweet? You buy your mother-in-law cake. Looks like you got some knives and forks here and someplace. Yeah. Listen, I don't want to be rude at my wife and her for some reason. She left the cakes back. You don't think they cross the things over, they cross over the the the scanner thing, and then put it over where you take it, right? That happened with everything, except for the cake. And and I come over to where the painting is, and the lady behind me, shelves, are Kart damn near right up on my hip and I can't get to my cake. Okay. Just my wife and didn't
01:50:30Dog and kids are in the car and it is supposed to be a short trip. Is it her birthday today? You got to get it over there. I bet she's having a nice party now that you're bringing her to this.
01:50:43How old is she going to be? I don't know. How old is it? Is that a credit card? That is a debit card or debit. Card. Now you got to put in. You got to put in your pin and there must I understand. Well you go ahead honey. I do the thing. She's like
01:51:00It looks like it's going to go through.
01:51:08She's like it, she hands me the receipt. I've already got the bag of my head. So you had to be there seat. I take it and I met the lady behind me. Who looks like Throw, Momma from the Train. Remember that lady? Throw Momma from the Train as I can. You I need to get this cake and she's a girl. I need to get the. Can you back up? So I can get the gate honey. He needs to get his cake for his mother-in-law and it's right there in front of your. Can you move back later. Give it by then. I've already reached over and grabbed the cake. She still talking lady and I'd the last thing I heard is
01:51:48I get out there and do the whole walk from the front of the store, have to the cars. Like I cannot wait until I get the question. What took you so long? Wait for it.
01:52:08Are you guys still here at? We told you there was a last clip. Go get out. Thanks for listening to our best of show, and I'll we hope to see you next week on Evil Dead Center.
01:52:19Thank you for listening to our one year anniversary special. Hey, you know, guys, it's been a year and I still haven't been paid. I bet shadoe Stevens gets paid. Yeah, lots of announcers out there, get paid. And here I am doing this crap. Anyway, we'll see you next week on irritable dead syndrome.
01:52:481 2, 3 4.
01:52:51Get upset. Don't get upset like same machine get upset.
01:53:03Getupside, get up, get up, is what we're going to do. We're going to cut this audio input in the sacks, we all. And then we're going to do it. And then we're going to send that collaboration, are Valdez Center on, and send it to get upside upside air tanks sale. It will also, I'll have smooth my back, call Sasquatch. Cuz he may need that. Oh, he's got to have his. I think we got a certificate of title Tupac in his pants.
Transcribed by algorithms.