IDS #334 - Penne Pasta Is Perfect For The Apocalypse

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This episode of Irritable Dad Syndrome contains sequences of flashing lights that may affect viewers who are susceptible to photosensitive issues.

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Episode 334. When we get to episode 345, I want to talk about 345 triangles.

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Oh, I can't wait for that.

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My grandpa used to say, listen, if we all like the same things, everybody'd be after your grandma. Time now for Irritable Dad Syndrome. The right car at the right price. Put your hands together for your hosts, Mike and Darren.

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I am Darren. I am Mike. Welcome to Irritable Dad Syndrome. How's everybody doing? This is episode 334.

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And it is the what is this, like two days after Halloween? Two days after Halloween. Two days after Halloween. Something like that, yeah.

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Excuse counting. Yeah, whatever.

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Um, how was your Halloween?

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It was uh dull. My kids are one kid has moved out of the house, and my other, my youngest son went to a friend's house, and so we didn't have our own uh tradition of uh what you know do you want your costume to be? And it we do, I will admit it, I miss walking around doing the trick-or-treating. Yeah, I miss it. We went to our neighbor's house, uh, the Durbins, Jason and Aaron Durbin. Yeah. And we sat there with them. They had a little uh fire pit, and she made some chili. Yeah. And we were having a good time hanging out with them. And the kids would come up and we would all, you know, as a group, give out candy.

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Yeah.

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And one of the things that I noticed was that there were so many kids that did not say trick-or-treat. Yeah. And there were a lot of kids that would not say thank you. And usually you have the parents at the bottom of the drive. What do you say, Billy? But they just what do you say? Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Well, they did they're just coming up and grab like they're grabbing the peppermint from China House and walk away.

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Exactly. They walked up, put their hand in the thing, grabbed a uh Reese cup, and walked with it. A lot of kids didn't even make eye contact.

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See, that's why I take a slingshot out there with me.

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Ow! I don't mean to sound like a grumpy old, but come on. Yeah, I mean say trick or treat. That's all you gotta do. All you have to do is put on your costume, walk up and say trick or treat. How about I just Venmo you the candy? Yeah. This isn't an individual thing. There's just a lot of kids that just wouldn't say trick or treat.

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Yeah.

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And that bugged me.

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We sat out there because we had uh Andrew is at the OU and they have their own Halloween traditions over at the OUs.

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Right.

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Uh and then Charlie went with another one of his friends to trick-or-treat. So it was me and Bess, and we we made a little party of it. We put the two chairs out in the driveway. The driveway. And we got way too small of a bucket of candy. Like we all she always would buy pillowcases full of candy in previous years. Yeah. And she put the bucket out there, and I was like, Is that what is what is that? She's like, That's the candy we're passing out.

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That's an appetite.

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Like to what, the first kid? And then we go, we go in and go to bed. And she's like, You don't think that's enough? She's like, Never nobody ever shows up the second hour. And I'm like, that's not going to last. Me. I'm going to deplete that before a kid comes by. Uh luckily we had Charlie's uh candy from a trunk retreat that he went to. We had to refill it from that. Sorry, Charlie. Sorry. He's probably it's like 50 years later he'll hear this. That's where it went, but anyway, we're we're sitting out there, and I had bought Bess a uh, what do you call those things? The fire pit, the metal fire pit? A fire pit. And I'd bought a uh Duraflame log that's important. Yes, Duraflame for the story, Duraflame.

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Duraflame.

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And I was gonna I I'd been looking for an excuse to use it. And I'm like, well, we're stuck out here for two hours doing nothing. Why don't we burn the Duraflame? And I looked at it and it said it will burn for three. Perfect.

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So jinx, buy me a code.

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So I lit the thing. Pretty good. So I lit the thing.

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We have the same brain.

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I lit the thing, and sure enough, it flamed to its name. Dura Duraflame. I had to go get some more wood because I realized that it's not just gonna completely engulf in flames. No. You know, so I put some wood around it. And then we got a pretty, pretty good inferno going there. And it was behind us because we didn't, as Bess said, we don't want a kid tripping into the fire. That would be bad.

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That's always bad.

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We're having fun, we're doing our stuff out there, and it gets to be pretty dark and pretty late, and no longer are we having little kids trick-or-treating. We're having like the people with beards and segues come up and be like, you ain't got no Charleston shoes. I was like, dude, what the hell? I saw you drive up. No, we we don't have those Charleston shoes. Yes, or Neko Wafers.

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We've got rid of all those and the cowtails. Yes, and the zero bars.

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And the fake Tootsie Pops that are raspberry, all those things. And I'm like, it's time to put this thing out. And I didn't know the best way to put it out. So I asked AI, and it said, absolutely do not pour a bucket of water onto your Duraflame log. Why? Well, that's what I said because that's exactly what I was going to do. It's water. And it said that they are made of like the wax and the other stuff, and that if it has been burning for long enough and you pour it on there, it could explode and send flaming uh shards of wax of burning wax everywhere. And my car was sitting right there. So I don't want my car to catch on fire.

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No, you don't want that.

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So then uh we it said you could put sand on it. Okay. We actually do have multiple bags of sand in our shed out back. But there's two problems with the shed. One, the door's broken.

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Okay.

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So if I open it, I can't close it again unless I hammer it and cuss at it. And two, I'm pretty sure multiple different species of mice and squirrels and rack raccoons and uh baboons live in that thing, and be damned if I'm going in there uh late on Halloween night.

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Well, just send Bess out there.

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She wouldn't go.

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She's brave remote.

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The best thing about uh AI, and I'll give it this, is that instead of just looking something up on the internet like we used to do back in the olden days, right? You can argue with it. So I in the next prompt, I said, Really? There's no amount of water that I can put on this and put it out. That doesn't sound right. And then AI always wants to be your buddy. And it came back and said, Of course you're right. There is a way to do this. So it said, get a spray bottle of water and spray the piss out of it. So I got a spray bottle and I sprayed the piss out of it, and it kept flaming back up. So I got another spray bottle and two full bottles of water on this mother scratcher, right? It was out. I got all the coals, everything done. Bess is like, are you done spraying water on the girl flame wall? Yes, I I think we're I think we're safe. Can we go in?

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By the way, you're welcome. I kept you warm the past two hours. So we decided it's all for the jokes. Don't get mad at me.

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We got no kids in the house. Bess has been dodging the backrooms for weeks now. We we have it on the Blu-rays. Oh. So I said, Do you want to watch the back rooms? And she said, Yes. So we came down here and we watched it. I she asked me if there were any jump scares. I said, no, spoiler, there are. There are. I forgot about them. Anyway, we finished watching the entire movie. It's two hours long. Yeah. Right? Yeah. We came upstairs. I got ready for bed. She got ready for bed. I was like, I want to take one last look outside to make sure everything's okay. And I noticed it's exceptionally bright out there. And the reason it's bright out there is because the fire was back larger than it had ever been. And there was so much smoke throughout the neighborhood because I'd been missing it. And now the entire neighborhood, so I was neighbor of the year. As per usual. At this shocker, at this point, it's damn near midnight. And I told Bess, We're raising the garage. I'm gonna go out there with the hose and I'm hosing it down. And she's like, What if it explodes? And I'm like, Well, I'm going to bed one way or the other. I'm either going to bed after we put it out or after you get me into the hospital bed. Yes, yes. And so I sprayed it down, and nothing happened. We're fine. Bess is fine. The fire pit is wet.

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Yeah.

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But it was really, really annoying.

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I'm sure it was. Well, you had a more fiery Halloween than we did. Uh, did you have as many kids as normal? No, we didn't have that many. We didn't either. We and me and the Durbins. We had a bunch of teenagers.

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And uh which I don't have a problem with. I don't have a problem.

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If an 80-year-old lady wants candy, I'll throw it at her. Several people on my Facebook page posted, look, if you're 20 years old and you're going through and you're still trick-or-treating, give them the candy. Yeah. It's like they could be out smoking, they could be out in a gang, yeah, they could be out doing all kinds of other legal things. Let them have the candy.

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Yeah, let them have it. Let them have it.

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Let them have it. Give them the candy. So we had talked about that and we said there's just not a lot of trick-or-treaters this year. But now I also didn't bring enough candy. Because last year I had way too much candy. So this year I went less, and then we were done. We were out by like about 720.

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Oh.

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So but we were at the Durbin's house, so we talked to them for a little bit longer, and then we went home. So we're walking by, and as you know, Chris Michael lives next door to us.

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Yeah.

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We're walking by their house and they have an honor bowl on their porch with the sign please take two. I was like, so I was curious, wondering, I wonder how much candy they have left. If they because our street isn't a very popular street because it's it's a one-way. If you go down our street, then you have to turn around and go back the same street, and you don't get to double up on uh on houses. So a lot of kids do not choose to go down our street.

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Yeah.

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Anyway, I'm curious how much candy they have. Now, Chris Michael has on his porch a camera. Okay. He of course he does. Yeah, he of course he does. He on his mailbox, you open it up, he gets a tweet or a text saying, danger, someone's opened your mailbox. So I'm walking up on his porch, and I thought this will be funny. I took my empty bowl that we had candy in and I covered my face, and I walked over and I covered his camera, and then I thought, oh, there's peanut MMs. So I grabbed a couple of things. They have a full bowl. I mean full bowl of candy.

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Okay.

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And Libby comes over and starts stuffing her pockets too. Okay. I know that Chris saw me walk up. I know he saw me cover my face, and we're like, shh, don't take more candy because he's gonna know. Yeah. So I know he knows that. Yeah. So we grabbed maybe eight pieces of candy, and then we walked back to the house. And Libby said, you know what you ought to do? Go back and get the whole bowl. And you ought to grab the table. And I thought, that would be funny. That would be hilarious if I totally grenched them and took everything.

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Yeah.

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But I'm like, nah, I'm actually tired. And then we were gonna watch a movie too. Okay. So we went in, haha, whatever. About a half hour later, we get this text from Chris Michael. He says, Did you guys forget that we have another camera? The doorbell camera recorded the whole thing. They thought it was hilarious. And I thought that Chris was going to post the video on our neighborhood Facebook page. He needs to warning, warning, we have a thief going through. Look who came and stole this candy from our porch. I was expecting him to do that. He didn't do that. But what did he do? He got cold. The next day, I get a text from Chris Michael. It's his daughter looking at the camera, pathetic. Mr. Darren, why did you steal our candy? And then his other daughter, Mr. Darren, how come you stole our candy? And I showed it to Libby. Oh, I like Chris Michael. Our jaws dropped. This was akin to that scene in Breaking Bad where Walter White sends the DVD to Hank. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the past three years, Hank has had me run his drug empire. Yes. I'm like, I can't believe he went cold like that. That is awesome. And and and what was funny was Mr. Darren, why did you steal our candy? And I'm like, did he did he didn't show them Libby's stuff in her pockets?

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No.

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No. They didn't see that Aunt Libby was also stealing candy. Yeah. So we made them some cookies because we felt horrible because the the girls think that we're like Grinch candy thieves. Yeah. We which we were. Get back. They've got bags and bags of candy.

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Yeah. That was cold, Chris. That was cold. You're listening to Irritable Dad Syndrome. The right car at the right price. Oh, I'm sorry. That's what I said in the introduction. I must have gotten my scripts mixed up. Hang on a minute. Here we go. Take two. You're listening to Irritable Dad Syndrome. We may not be pretty, but we have a great personality.

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The other night I was getting ready to go to bed, and uh I noticed that there was a brown nugget on the bed. Now we don't keep brown nuggets. No. You know? No. We don't eat merry many brown things, at least certainly not in bed. Like chocolate. Right. Right. So we're trying to help you out there.

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We know what brown bread.

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So I looked at it. Now Charlie happened to be in the room and he said, What is that? And I said, I'm going to go get a piece of toilet paper, thankfully, and pick it up and throw it away. And I picked it up and I couldn't help myself, but I I took a whiff. I went, I needed to know what it was. Okay. Uh the whiff told me it was fecal matter. Now, so someone the bed. Now, I know I didn't eat the bed.

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And it's not Andrew, because Andrew doesn't live here in the bed.

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No, no.

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Well, I mean he can.

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He can, but he wouldn't. That's too much driving, too much logistics. Charlie was laughing so much. I know that he didn't do it. Right. I'm pretty sure Bess didn't do it. Right. So that leaves Boobah and Marbles.

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Right.

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Now, marbles was dumb enough to be in the room with us watching what was going on. Boobah was nowhere to be found.

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Right.

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I'm pretty sure it was Boobah's poo. Okay. So I now need to wash the bed. Right.

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The entire bed.

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The entire bed.

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Yes, I understand.

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And it annoyed me because we don't have a spare set of sheets and a spare comforter to put on the bed. So whenever we're doing that, we just lose access to the bed. Right. And I thought, this has gone on too long. We're in our 50s. We should have another set of sheets. So I went to Target. You really don't have a spare set of sheets. We do now. Oh, we do not. I went to Target last night.

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Okay.

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And I'm like, money is no object. No. I'm going to get the best Target has to offer.

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You're going to get the Martha Stewart. I got the sateen. Oh, you got satin sheets.

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Well, I didn't know that. It didn't dominate. This is how stupid I am.

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If you wear your silk pajamas, you can slide right out of that.

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I thought it would, they said cotton. They're just called sateen. I thought that's, oh, that sounds like fancy cotton. And then when I saw them, I'm like, oh, this is supposed to be like a satin thing. It's like, ah. Anyway, let's back up. I'm in the store. I get the sheets. I get the comforter. I get some other little doodads that we need. Right. And I'm checking out. And I actually go through with a person that checks you out instead of the because I had tons of stuff there. Right. That I didn't want to lift. She scans the comforter. She scans the sheets. Mm-hmm. And then a couple other things. And she said, So, you got any uh plans tonight? And I said, I'm just gonna be putting these sheets on the bed.

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Uh-huh.

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And she said, I never did get into the whole comforter thing. I've got a small bed, a twin.

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Uh huh.

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I don't do much with uh I don't buy very many sheets.

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That's what she said.

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That's what she said.

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Okay. That's what she said.

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And then I stood there for an uncomfortable amount of long time. And in in my head, I was like, what the f do I say now? Where do you go from here? So I just said, huh. I don't know if she was trying to be nice. I don't know if she was hitting on me. I don't know if she got hit in the head at some point.

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Hey, what happened?

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But I had no idea what to say. And this was late. This was late at Target. This wasn't like there were like throngs of people to distract. I had to walk with the cart, having paid for this stuff out. And I looked over my shoulder, kinda what was going to happen. Thankfully, she was not looking at me. She was helping other customers at that point. I mean, I could just But it was the weirdest conversation I've had all week.

SPEAKER_03 17:45

Yeah. No, I can imagine, like, let's say the conversation let's say she was curious if it was going where I'm thinking that she thought it was going.

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Okay. Like, so I don't know where it was going. Where do you think she would it could be? She's just like somebody, like maybe she's on a performance improvement plan with Target and they said you need to start making conversation with the customers. Right. So when the guy's buying sheets, ask him what he's up to tonight.

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If you're buying sheets, then you're buying sheets that go onto the bed. So that involves something with the bed and it's night. So if someone's saying, Hey, you got plans tonight, that to me sounds like she's wondering if you're wow, wow, you know, yeah, that's what it sounds like. Yeah, but who goes and buys sheets? That's right. It's like, hey, honey, you're hot and bothered. I'm hot and bothered too. Let me run out and get some sheets real quick. Hang on. Yeah. Just stay right there. Keep thinking those thoughts. Because when I get home and when I put this bottom sheet on, and then the top sheet, and then this comforter, oh, honey. Woo-hoo!

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So Bess is perfect in these situations. It would have been nice if she had been there to help me in this social situation, but she wasn't. But I came home and I'm like, this conversation just happened to me. What happened? And she just laughed and said, You have to talk about that on the podcast.

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I'm like, okay. And then, you know, do you go real? You got any plans on that? Well, I'm gonna wash all the dog off of my other set of sheets. That's why I'm gonna buy these. And then she's gonna say, What, you don't have a spare set? I do now. Oh, yeah.

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Yeah. I don't like the sateen though. As soon as I saw them, they were like shiny.

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I don't like the I don't like the well, they get kind of pilly. I had a pilly? Yeah, pilly. You know when a when a fabric starts to, you know, when it starts to pill up? Oh. It gets little like little bumps on it. Oh. You don't know what getting pilly means? No, getting pilly with it. Getting pilly with it. Yeah. Oh yeah. I had to buy a new bottle of hydrogen peroxide.

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Oh. You know it turns the water on its own.

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I did not know that. Well, anyway, so Cameron had cut himself, and we were going to uh put some peroxide on it and then a band-aid, and we're looking, I'm like, we don't have any peroxide. I'm like, well, I should probably have some. You should have some. So when I was out, I grabbed a bottle and out of curiosity, I looked on it, and on the sticker, active ingredient, hydrogen peroxide. I love that. I'm like, well, there's no point in even including that on the sticker then. No. It's like you buy some bubblegum ingredient. Bubblegum.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

Yeah. Did you prepare for the apocalypse? Did you get enough water and food to survive?

SPEAKER_03 20:38

I did.

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Did you really?

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I did, yes. We've got two skids full of water. I've got canned, we have four. Well, I still have canned soups saved from back when uh Y2K in my bunker.

SPEAKER_02 20:52

This is episode 334. 334. So I'm going to clue people in on something they may not be aware of. Okay. Is sometimes it's hard to be married to me. And here's one of the reasons why.

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Okay.

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Bess has been telling me we need to stock up on stuff.

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Uh-huh.

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And I'm like, no, we don't. And she's like, I'm following the Facebooks and all these things. And they're saying that you need to stock up just to have, just in case. I'm like, no, that whatever. And then I stop at Costco and I decide to go crazy. And I spent uh dollars.

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Probably $400.

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I spent a lot of money on stuff. We've got tuna, we've got pasta, we've got all kinds of stuff. And two things happened in the Costco. One is they were sold out of water. My question is, what the hell? They don't have any water and they have no soup. Uh-huh. But I was looking at the pasta and I saw.

SPEAKER_03 21:42

Did they have any sheets?

SPEAKER_02 21:44

No.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

Oh.

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I saw penne pasta. And I thought, who wants Pene pasta?

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Penny pasta.

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Penny. Penne. Penne pasta.

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Pinnae.

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As in Jean Claude Pinnae. Um and then I'm going down the other aisle and I see this pair of women, and they're talking loudly about g stuff that they're getting. And one of them said they were holding up a box of spaghetti. And it said, Can't you find any other type of pasta besides the spaghetti? They all taste space. And I said, There's pen A on the end cap right there. And she loudly proclaimed, Thank God, if I'm gonna die in the apocalypse, it's not gonna be eating normal spaghetti and ran to get it.

SPEAKER_03 22:23

Pasta?

SPEAKER_02 22:24

It's it all tastes the same. I wasn't even gonna get a box. But when I saw her go nuts over it, I got some penne pasta. It's sitting in there.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

It's time now for the Kroger story of the week.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

And then I'll be certain look at it before I leave. And then on the way, on the way home, I stopped in Kroger and I went to the water section. They had tons of those uh milk jug-size waters.

SPEAKER_05 22:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:47

And I just started putting them in the cart. They were $1.59 each. I filled the bottom of the cart, and there were still like three left, and I'm like, I'm gonna buy all their water. I'm gonna do it, man. And I grabbed those three and I put it, you know, where you put your bratty little kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then uh I stuck one underneath because it wouldn't, all of it wouldn't fit. And I went to check out, and they have they must have a prepper alarm because when I got to water uh eight, uh huh, it called over the person to check on the store manager, make sure, yeah, make sure I'm okay.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

Was it Vaughn?

SPEAKER_02 23:25

No, it was the guy that that watches all the self-checkouts. Oh, okay. And he came over and he looked at the water and he looked at me, and I'm like, I mean, I'm thirsty. Yeah. And he put his code in the thing, and then I go back to scanning the water, and it called him over again. Uh-huh. And he said, and I quote, How many of those do you have? I was like, I quit counting at 14. What do we need to do here? I'm willing to pay the price, right? And I'll take them to my car myself. I just need you to get me past this computer. Right. He put in his code again, and I said, All that's left, I did, I bought spicy nuts. I had spicy nuts. So I had like probably about I don't know how many gallons of water and a can of spicy nuts. Okay. And now we're ready. We're set.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

I will say that after COVID, you know, remember when there was like every every store was wiped out with the toilet paper and the pay and the paper towels. Okay. And luckily, we had enough. We just happened to have enough. But because of that, I go out and buy I do uh like I do when I fill up my gas tank. I fill up my gas tank when it's half or when it gets below half. Yeah. I don't wait for it to get to the bottom. I wait for it to get like below half. Then I fill up. So if I'm like down to six rolls or eight rolls of toilet paper or whatever, I buy more toilet paper. Now I don't go by 24 truckloads of it. No. But and that's something I learned about.

SPEAKER_02 24:53

You just don't want to be stuck needing to make a dark decision with the kitchen tackle.

SPEAKER_03 24:57

That's right. Well, you're, you know, when you're out in the backyard with the hose, you know, the neighbors don't care for that anymore. You know.

SPEAKER_02 25:05

Um this isn't the 90s anymore. No, it's not.

SPEAKER_03 25:10

But yeah, I've learned to do that. I've started trying to I grab things even though I don't need it instantly. But if I, you know, yeah, uh yeah, I'll grab some canned soup or I will grab and now um if I've already got a loaf of bread, I'll throw one in the freezer. Well, and so I've started doing that because of COVID. Now I don't go crazy, but I'm kind of prepared.

SPEAKER_02 25:33

The rule I set for this stuff for myself was as long as we use it, I'm fine. We start using the we've got toilet paper in there, start using that, we'll buy another thing to replace it and the tuna, and we're gonna have a lot of pasta.

SPEAKER_03 25:47

A lot of tuna pasta.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

This has been the Kroger Story of the Week.

SPEAKER_03 25:54

Libby and I went on a date. Oh. We went to the movies, oh, and we went to see Wildwood. Oh. Now I am telling you, I'm telling everybody that, you know, normally when people say, you know, this is the movie you have to see in the theater, I'm like, yeah, okay, I, you know, I'm not one of those people. Yeah, I can wait and still watch it because I've got a big screen TV in my movie room. Ooh, can't hide money. Um but no, it's like I can I can wait on those and still, but oh my god, we were amazed at Wildwood. Absolutely amazed. This was stop motion, okay? Oh it took 16 years to make this movie, okay. And like I said, have you seen Coraline?

SPEAKER_02 26:37

I haven't, I know what you're talking about, but I have okay.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

So it's the same people who made Coraline, okay, and they're the same people that made Kubo and the Two Strings. And if you haven't seen Kubo and the Two Strings, oh my god, you've got to watch that movie today. After this podcast is over with, watch Kubo and the Two Strings. So it's the same people, and this movie was mind-blowing. There was a battle scene with all these wolves that are dressed as soldiers who fight for the the evil queen, and they're fighting uh on it's it's a a scene that rivals the epic battle of Braveheart, or like in The Avengers when they were fighting Thanos. It's ridiculous how amazing this movie is. And Living I just had her jaws a gap. Is that a word? A gas. A ghast. A gape. A gape. A gape. My jaw was gapped. It was so good. Yeah, it was so good. So you've got to go and see Wildwood. You just gotta go see it. And the thing it cost like over a hundred million dollars to make, and they've only made under 40 million dollars. And I feel bad because I want these people to make money and keep making movies like this because you don't see movies this good anymore. Another movie that I want to see that I haven't got to is You Can See Everything. That's the is that the one that's that's the documentary about Elizabeth Holmes.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

The lady that doesn't blink. She doesn't blink. That's kind of the joke going around is that she's a sociopath and she's like every time she's talking, she's just not blinking. And people are noticing that her eyes are really wide and not blinky.

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Yeah, so that movie was showing, and I was I was curious because it's like you've they've got Wildwood, and that's PG 13, it's an adventure. Street Fighter, PG 13, that's an action movie. Wicker was a comedy, Other Mommy is a horror movie, but then you have You Can See Everything, and that's categorized as husbands. What the hell was that? When has husbands ever been a category of a movie? Yeah. I think that's the next movie that we're gonna see.

SPEAKER_02 28:39

That's the category for the big Globalski. Husbands.

SPEAKER_03 28:41

Husbands it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make no sense at all.

SPEAKER_01 28:46

You're listening to Irritable Dad Syndrome. Check out more great episodes at our website, irritable dad syndrome.com.

SPEAKER_03 28:53

I have been trying for a long time to get rid of a couch. Okay, we bought a new couch a few years ago, and our old couch which still worked, which is still fine. Decent shape, not amazing shape, but really good shape. We put that out on the garage and we covered it up to keep it from getting dusty and spider webby, and we were going to give it to Jacob when he moved out. Well, when Jacob moved out, he says, I don't want the couch. Now we're trying to get rid of it. And I have posted it on the neighborhood thing, free couch. Okay, you know, and then I posted it on a site that your wife Bess hooked me up with. Um the cult. Yeah, the cult. You can have nothing. Hey, the buy nothing, hey, hey, buy nothing and whatever. So I posted it on buy nothing, and I think one person uh l put a like on it, but nobody said they wanted it. And then um in our neighborhood Facebook page, it's free couch, come get it, you can have it, it's totally yours, no bites. And then a couple weeks later, Cameron and I moved it out to the drive to the end of the driveway thinking on a Friday night, there's people I I could they probably patrol your neighborhood too. They as soon as the trash goes out, they go through, and if somebody throws away an old dishwasher, they grab it and scrap it for parts or whatever. So we took the couch, we put it at the end of the driveway, thinking that someone's just gonna come and hey and take it. No, nobody took it. So Cameron and I brought it back into the garage, covered it up again. Well, uh Halloween night, I got a message from somebody saying, Hey, Mr. Cox, is that couch that you're offering, is it still available? I live in your neighborhood. I said, Yeah, it is. All you gotta do is come get it, let me know when. And uh they didn't reply.

SPEAKER_04 30:40

I said, Okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:42

So um an hour or two passes, and I said, Send them another message. Look, if you want it, it's yours, but you're gonna have to come and get it tomorrow or later next week because I'm going out uh happy Halloween. And they reply, uh, perfect. How about tomorrow at two o'clock? I said, Yeah, great. So tomorrow comes around. This is November uh the one, November one. And are you still coming? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be there. So was it Chris Michael? No, it was no no no no, it wasn't Chris Michael. It was his daughter's wondering why I stole their candy. Cameron and I, we took the couch and we moved it out into the driveway, and uh I I dusted it off and then you know opened it up, and there was some uh little some spider webs underneath, and I got it all dusted up and nice, looked pretty neat. And Libby and I had a moment and we stood out there and oh, this is the couch that we sat on when we were when we watched movies with the boys when we watched Finding Nemo and all the you know, all this stuff. You go through all this because if you're sentimental like me, yeah, you think about all the fun times you had on the couch. So we said goodbye to the couch, okay, and you were a good couch, and um you're gonna go to a new family and have more memories with somebody. It was a different couch with the with the same couch, but different families on a different carpet inside a different home. And we wished it love. Uh-huh. And then I get a text, uh, Mr. Cox, I'm not gonna be able to come get the couch. My parents disapprove. It was some kid. It was some kid.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

Yeah. I've got a couch we got to get rid of. You're gonna have to call a place that that takes it. They won't know they will not take couches or mattresses.

SPEAKER_03 32:18

Right.

SPEAKER_02 32:19

Dead bugs. No one will do it. Yeah. We tried to, the couch that I need to get rid of. I have a couch, I have a mattress, and I have box springs. We took all this stuff to throw it away at a place that literally they have a dumpster over here and they have uh it's like what is that, like a thrift store over here? They just basically just put a price on it and stick it out there. Uh-huh. Uh, they said, we can take everything but the couch and the and the the mattress and the box spring. I was like, those are the biggest things in the truck. That's the biggest thing that I need to get rid of. Yeah. And they said, we can't. I was like, can you throw it in a dumpster? No, it's too big for the dumpster. Well, what are you supposed to do? So we're we're storing it. It's in storage right now. So you've got to do those things.

SPEAKER_03 33:00

You just gotta pay to keep it.

SPEAKER_02 33:01

And I was looking on the interwebs, yeah. Right now, we're paying $150 a month for uh those things that we can't do anything with. And uh there there is a I I found a place online that will come and get anything.

SPEAKER_03 33:14

Okay. Is it got junk?

SPEAKER_02 33:16

Uh it's not got junk. Okay. They charge an armored leg. This is a place that comes and takes it for free.

SPEAKER_03 33:21

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

It's like the wolf in uh Pulp Fiction. He's like, I don't care what it is, I'll take it. And I got to the point where I needed to enter in the address, and at the time I didn't know the address of the storage unit, but I'll figure that out.

SPEAKER_03 33:34

Oh, you gotta give me the number then. Yeah, okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 33:37

What I'm afraid of is I'll I'll call them, I'll get this set up. You have to be, they give you a four-hour window, uh-huh, which means I have to get a lawn chair, I guess, and sit by the storage unit. I'm afraid they're gonna come out and say, Oh, couch and mattress and box greens. We can't we can't do it. I've thought about going out in the middle of the night and just uh bringing it out into the parking lot and setting it aflame.

SPEAKER_03 33:59

Yeah, Libby said, Why don't we just burn it? I'm like, oh my god, all the the padding inside, the smoke will go to high heavens.

SPEAKER_02 34:05

Yeah, it will, and you won't be able to leave your house for a week. No, you'll you'll yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:08

Well, especially if you burn it inside. You don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_02 34:12

No, no, no, no, they get a little flamey on the on the inside.

SPEAKER_03 34:22

I watched the wildest documentary. I'm going through the Netflix, and uh it was one of those rare occasions where uh Cameron was gone and Libby was gone, and I'm going through the documentaries, and I found this documentary about these college-aged kids, uh, kids, the people, yeah, and they were building this mall. I think this is in Portland. And uh was it Port uh that's uh whatever, it doesn't matter where it is. They built this brand new mall and they watched as the mall was being built, and they said, you know, I betcha there's like unused space. I have a feeling there's a lot of unused space in this part. Why they suspected it, I don't know. But they went exploring, they snuck into the mall, and they're going through all the back caverns and all the whatever, and they found this giant room, this unused room, and they decided to live there. We're gonna live here. What did they do? They brought up uh like a curio cabinet and they put plates and cups and saucers and onto the cabinet, they snuck a couch up there, and then they brought a little TV, and then they dropped an extension cord down a wall, and they were stealing electricity from the mall, and there was like eight of them, yeah, and they lived in this documentary this happened. Yes, it's on Netflix. Okay, and it's incredible. They lived in the mall for four years.

SPEAKER_02 35:52

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 35:56

And they were, and I'm not I don't want to spoil it because it's so interesting, but they decided they're like, well, what are we gonna do if somebody like uh comes up this way? Because there was like this uh metal staircase, uh-huh, and then the you go up to the top of the metal staircase and slip down this little thing, and then there's that's where the apartment is that they built. They decided they're going to build a wall. Oh to hide it, where if anybody goes up this thing, then um they will wall. So they snuck in hundreds, Mike, hundreds of cinder blocks.

SPEAKER_04 36:31

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 36:32

They recorded themselves that opened the door, carrying in the cinder blocks.

SPEAKER_04 36:39

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 36:40

The security, nothing. They never got busted for sneaking in hundreds of cinder blocks. And they're in there, they and they're they're recording everything. They're like making the concrete and and slathering it down and putting the bricks in there. They snuck a door up in there and built the door and let they everybody had a key to their secret apartment. What got me the most was I would totally be in on that. If you had said, What are you doing tomorrow? Yeah, I'm like, I don't have anything. Why? What's going on? I want to build an apartment inside the mall. Okay. Yeah. I'm there. Libby, Mike and I are gonna around for an hour or two. Yeah. I would have, I'm jealous of these guys. Yeah. Because what are you, you know, what are you gonna do when the cops come? How many times have we warned you kids not to build an apartment inside the mall? But it's on Netflix apartment mall. Okay. Something. Okay. So entertaining.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

This portion of our show is brought to you by Womper's All Beef Foot Long Hot Dogs, voted best hot dog for the seventh year in a row by the National Hot Dog and Sausage Association. Wampers are made from 100% pure beef with no fillers and no preservatives. Get a ruler and measure it yourself. If your hot dog isn't a foot long, they'll refund your money, guaranteed.

SPEAKER_04 37:55

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

Now back to the show.

SPEAKER_03 38:02

You know, you and I, we've mentioned before how old we are. You're 51, I'm 56. And I don't know how old the people are where you work, but there's a lot of people where I work in their uh 20s and early 30s. And I catch myself uh more than not going into uh talking about the good old days, yeah, or how it used to be. You know, back in the day. Exactly. Before we had cell phones, before we had push button phones, we had a rotary dial. Yeah, and we would uh have to stand in the living room, and you would swing the cord one way and then you'd swing the cord the other way, and sometimes the coil would get the weird hook in the middle of it, and that's when I developed my OCD, you know, that type of thing.

SPEAKER_02 38:44

Or you'd answer the phone and you'd get stuck talking to the weird neighbor because you didn't know who it was.

SPEAKER_03 38:48

Exactly. Yeah, the phone would ring and you would just answer it. Yeah. Right? You didn't know who it was, and uh that type of thing. And then we would I've talked about how, you know, before we had the DVDs, before we had the VCR, you know, when we just had the television, if we missed an episode of TV, we missed it. Yeah. Okay, we totally just didn't see it. You did not see it. You hoped that you would catch it in the summer on uh repeat. Yeah, like and you usually would, but you didn't always do that.

SPEAKER_02 39:18

Yeah, you're like, why is Crockett in New York? Exactly. I don't know. I missed the episode where he left Miami.

SPEAKER_03 39:24

Yeah, so I mean, I catch myself talking about the because when I got my first job in television, I didn't have an email address. Okay. I did not know how to send an email until I met my wife, my girlfriend, Libby at the time, and she had a computer, and I was at her apartment when I sent my first email. And I remember I sent my first email to my friend Don Garner and said, Hey, how's it going? You know, she got on Netscape Navigator. I think she had a hotmail account. Anyway, today I caught myself talking about there used to be a TV show called Shields and Yarnell. And somebody said, What is Shields and Yarnell? I'm like, What's Shields and Yarnell? You've never heard of them? Yeah, no, that's why I said what's shield and yarnelle. Shields and Yarnell were a married couple and they were mimes, and they acted like robots. They could move their body robotically, and they could go hours without blinking. Uh-huh. Okay, and it was creepy. Okay, they were a married couple, they had a variety show. Okay. Okay. And I remember watching it as a kid, and they hosted the Muppet Show one time. Anyway, it kind of creaked me out a little bit. And I remember even when I was a little kid watching it, going, Why am I watching this? Because I mean it ended up getting canceled, but it was a married couple that acted like mimes and robots, and they didn't blink, and they got their own show. And my friend at work said, That didn't happen. It did. It did, man. You there's you have no idea that they used to put on TV in the 70s. You know, everybody would get their own variety show, and everybody would get just it was insane the stuff that they would put on TV. Yeah. Uh you know, Welcome Back Cotter.

SPEAKER_02 41:25

I never watched it because I never saw the original Cotter. Like he's welcome. Like, I thought it was a sequel series. I did. Forever. I'm like, I don't know Cotter. I don't know the sweat hog.

SPEAKER_03 41:41

So you thought there was a show called Cotter.

SPEAKER_02 41:44

And it got canceled or something, and then they did welcome back, Cotter. I did.

SPEAKER_04 41:54

So you didn't watch it.

SPEAKER_02 41:56

I would turn it off because it's a spoiler. I'm not going to understand what's going on.

SPEAKER_03 42:02

They explained that in episode one.

SPEAKER_02 42:04

I didn't see episode one.

SPEAKER_03 42:06

They totally because he's Gabe Kaplan was caught. Yeah. And he was talking to his wife, Julie. Okay. And he's getting ready to go, and she's like, Are you ready to go back to class? He goes, I don't know if I can go back and teach the sweat hog sing that I used to be a sweat hog.

SPEAKER_02 42:20

Okay. I didn't know he used to be a sweathog.

SPEAKER_03 42:23

It's all explained in episode one.

SPEAKER_02 42:26

If you missed the first episode, I swear.

SPEAKER_03 42:34

I believe. Every show.

SPEAKER_02 42:36

Think of all the different shows that if you missed the first episode, Perfect Strangers, what the hell are Balkie and Larry doing together? Right? You have to see the first episode.

SPEAKER_03 42:44

That's right. Balkie comes from Meepos. Alf. What the hell is that? Good one, Wooly. Yeah. You're right. You have to see him. You can't just jump into that. Yeah. You got to wait till the summer when they repeat episode one. I reckon. Some days I wonder how we really survived. You know, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 43:04

And then other shows, I didn't, it didn't bother me to miss the first. Like I never saw the first Airwolf until decades later. But I remember I saw the first Knight Rider. Okay. Yeah. Did it. I was dead. Dead it. Did it it seemed like it seemed like it was going on and on. And I saw the first um Street Hawk. Do you remember Street Hawk?

SPEAKER_03 43:23

I do remember Street Hawk. The motorcycle. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:26

And I was amazed how did they film that in the beginning? The motorcycle going so fast through the the city. Uh huh. So every episode of Streethawk, it was kind of like Airwolf. They would find a way to solve any problem with a helicopter. Like Jimmy got a F on his test. Well, let's go in the helicopter and shoot something and he'll pass. Streethawk, every episode, they had to find a reason for they had the the little the bald guy that sat in the van with all the computers around him. And that's all he did all the time was waiting for Streethawk Johnson or whatever the guy's name was. Yeah. Little name Hawk. To get in the thing, and it would the the theme song start going. And then we're going to do it. And he would he would bust out the back of the van in Street Hawk and it would be slow motion, the motorcycle, land, and then he would just start tearing through the city, and it was super fast. And he's talking to Hudson or whoever that is in the van. Right. It's like, you gotta make a left up here. I was like, he can't make a left. No, he's going 8,000 miles out way too fast. Boom. And he doesn't. I was like, how do they do that? Stupid little Mike had no idea that they could film it at normal speed and then speed it up, which is what they were doing.

SPEAKER_03 44:39

But it was like every episode. Like they did on the Benny Hill show. They weren't running that fast in the backyard. No.

SPEAKER_02 44:46

No, but there was a little bald guy in a van in every Benny Hill. Anyway, the point is, I was an idiot. But I saw the beginning of Streethawk too. I saw how that all started.

SPEAKER_03 44:55

TV shows used to have the opening credits, it would take like two minutes long, and like the Incredible Hulk, they would explain. You know, David Banner went into the and then the thing happened up and his eyes turned green. And it's like it sets it up, it explains to you. You can watch that anytime you want. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_02 45:13

Another one I just thought of is the greatest American hero. If you missed the first episode of that, you're like, what the f is this guy's problem? Ah, I'm walking on air. But if you don't see that the whole time, I guess they did explain it in the opening credits. Uh-huh. Yeah, Leroy Johnson found this in the underwear bin at KB Toys or whatever the however whatever it is, and he put it on and can fly.

SPEAKER_03 45:35

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 45:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:36

But he couldn't land. No. That was the hiccup in that show. Can you imagine being a producer? I've got a great idea. He's a superhero. He can fly, but he can't land. Like, Larry, go make it happen.

SPEAKER_02 45:48

And what made the 80s movies so great was they would take a little stupid premise like that that would normally be a full episode of something now and just blow it up into a whole movie. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:59

And oh my god, back in the 70s and 80s, I mean Sanford and Son had, I think, four spin-offs. Oh yeah. Oh, Grady, yeah. Whitman Mayo is is Grady. And uh, oh boy, and then Barney Miller had Fish. Yeah. Uh that was a spin-off. And uh so, okay, so they got All in the Family, and then Maud was a spin-off of All in the Family. The Jeffersons was a spin off of All in the Family, and then Good Times was a spin-off of Maud, which was a spin-off of All in the Family. So that was like the great or grand spin-off.

SPEAKER_02 46:35

Was Different Strokes connected to any of them, or was it its own animal?

SPEAKER_03 46:38

No, Different Strokes was its own thing, but uh the facts of life was a spin-off of Different Strokes. Okay, because Mrs. Garrett left the uh working for Mr. Drummond to go to at the school for girls with Blair, Tootie, Joe, Natalie.

SPEAKER_02 46:54

There was this And one of them looked like John Travolta.

SPEAKER_03 46:58

Joe did look like John Travolta for a while. And then I like after season one, she stopped wearing her hair in the ponytail and started dolling up and looking trying to look somewhat pretty.

SPEAKER_02 47:09

I did. I would turn off Welcome Back Cotter every time.

SPEAKER_03 47:12

I'm not gonna be able to follow it.

SPEAKER_02 47:13

I'm not gonna know what's going on. I don't know where he went. For a while, for a while, I thought the story was now. This is just how it was. This is back in the it was the 70s show, but I was watching it in the 80s, right? It was 70s show.

SPEAKER_00 47:28

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 47:29

I thought he was back from Vietnam. That's the story I told myself. So then I started expecting a Vietnam flashback or something.

SPEAKER_03 47:39

The the helicopters. Yeah, helicopters.

SPEAKER_02 47:42

Because MASH, I know MASH was the Korean War, wasn't it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:46

MASH took it was uh in Korea.

SPEAKER_02 47:48

But Platoon and all these things were out, and there was a comment book about Vietnam, so it was on everybody's mind. So I thought, yeah, that's where Cotter was.

SPEAKER_03 47:57

Before we go, I've got to say. I've just got to bring up one more thing, and this is something that you posted on your Facebook. You had asked uh AI about irritable dad syndrome. And what are AI's thoughts about irritable dad syndrome? That's a quote. That's a direct quote. The thing that AI, Skynet, liked most was the confidently wrong dynamic. A signature element of the show is Mike confidently arguing points he hasn't fully thought through, doubling down when challenged, and reluctantly admitting defeat several episodes later. Yeah. I about fell out of my chair and knocked cereal onto the ceiling. Laughing. Oh, Bessie laughed herself silly. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:38

Yeah. And you'll notice that Bess's sister hearted it. And yeah, she never hearts anything.

SPEAKER_03 48:44

Jason Durbin also, uh, I believe he hearted it. Yeah. Uh no, but Jason Durbin asked a good question. What did it have to say about me? Did it say anything about me? I had something about you in there. Oh, it's my phone, too. Did I? I still got it.

SPEAKER_02 49:01

It saves everything. So I got it somewhere. Oh, it saves everything. Oh, yeah. You're still on Cotter. I thought he would deny it. I thought he would. It's a terrible name for a show. Just call it Cotter.

SPEAKER_03 49:18

There's Cotter.

SPEAKER_02 49:20

So there's Welcome Back Carter. Now, if we'd had the internet back then, I could have solved that problem quickly.

SPEAKER_03 49:24

Yeah, or you could have just asked somebody. Anybody who saw the show. It's not Inception, Mike.

SPEAKER_02 49:34

It's a show that was everybody, all my friends, they were all watching like Scooby-Doo and I'm watching Welcome Back or not watching Welcome Back Cotter.

SPEAKER_03 49:42

I mean, Welcome Back Cotter was pretty easy to follow. But you were stumped. What the hell? Where'd he go? You ever see Quentin Tarantino's Welcome Back Cotter? No. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 49:58

Do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in uh gay heavy? Oh, you mean they don't call it a quarter pounder with cheese? That's crazy. They call it Royale with cheese.

SPEAKER_05 50:12

It was Horseshack in Washington as Jules and God.

SPEAKER_03 50:22

We're gonna go. Uh before we go, we want you to go to irritable datacenter.com and again we hope that you tell all your friends we're 334 episodes deep into this, and we're really getting to that point where uh someone is going to discover us. Okay, someone is going to fall on this podcast and go, oh my god, these guys are brilliant! Unbelievable! How have I not heard of them for the past six years? And it's gonna be any day now, I know it. And before that happens, I just want you guys to know before we get famous and lose our minds with all the money and the insanity and the popularity, I want you to know that I thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to every episode. We have people who have been with us since day one, and we hope to see you next week on Irritable Dad Syndrome.

SPEAKER_01 51:08

Irritable Dad Syndrome is a Mike Odell, Darren Cox production.

SPEAKER_02 51:14

You ready to kick this thing in the groin? I think so. It's in the language invented by aliens. You're like, I didn't know triangles could do that. Giant awful lawn chairs and noses. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Is that gonna work? Oh, that's actually gonna work. Okay. What the hell is that? Alright.

SPEAKER_03 51:35

They never got busted of sneaking first. And we've got people who jump on uh everybody uh that's great. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 51:46

Where I'm from, they call it algebra.

SPEAKER_03 51:48

Algebra. Algebra get your algebra done. Algebra 2. I'm not, you know, I'm not one uh one store run away from being uh starving.

SPEAKER_02 51:58

What the why did I even get out of bed this morning?

SPEAKER_03 52:01

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, that that that account I closed that a long time ago. Now you can't say that. Gotta edit that out. Gotta edit that out. But no, I was like, what's going on here? So so uh tell you what, how about I just Venmo you the money? Well no, it's the the the I can't remember who, but it's it's uh uh I can't remember the name of it.

SPEAKER_02 52:28

I had to go, well, let me back up.

SPEAKER_03 52:31

Okay. Because now I know that Chris saw me walk up with and he saw sorry.

SPEAKER_02 52:37

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We we typically run out of things. But I what what what I the Yeah, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 52:47

Well, your short story was way better than my short story. I had to buy a new bottle of hydrogen peroxide. Oh Mr.

SPEAKER_00 52:54

Darren, why did he steal our candy? Darren, why did he drink the candy?

SPEAKER_03 53:03

Welcome back.

SPEAKER_02 53:06

Dreams are gonna do it. Now you've got in your head like this little ten year old mic, like, nope, I can't, I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_03 53:15

I don't know where it was. Can't possibly watch that.

SPEAKER_02 53:24

Perfect.